Thursday, October 15, 2009


Thankful Thursday is here again. So here is what I am grateful for this week and last as well:

1. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
2. My wonderful husband.
3. Family.
4. Good Friends.
5. Food.
6. Blue Skies.
7. Men and young men willing to wake up at all hours to come and start cutting our huge tree down at 6:30 AM.
8. Recipe Books that guide on how to cook with food allergies.
9. Simple and yummy recipes.
10. Multiple job offers - even if they aren't even close to my dream career.
11. Our cars.
12. Our home.
13. Our perseverance.
14. Our faith.
15. Blessings.
16. Our health.
17. My planner.
18. Hope.
19. Happiness.
20. Everything good.

What are you grateful for?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I Give Thanks

As it turns out, Evenspor my sister-in-law, has decided to do "Thankful Thursdays" so here is mine:

1. I am thankful for my husbands' severance pay that will be coming soon.
2. I am thankful to have a friend living with us.
3. I am thankful that we can repair our own car at very low cost - or if we need to, we have a mechanic that will help.
4. I am thankful for a neighbor fixing our furnace at very low cost.
5. I am thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
6. I am thankful for friends and family.
7. I am thankful for autumn.
8. I am thankful that I am in my final semester of college.
9. I am thankful for all that I have and possess.
10. I am thankful for my health, and God's herbal remedies.

What are you thankful for?

Monday, September 28, 2009


Happy is positiveness.

I am happy. I am positive.

I am working on my final project for my Master of Art degree and I'm applying for a job that what my thesis project is.


That job opening proves that what my active training portfolio (thesis project) is all about is more real and true than ever before! I knew it! Happy.


Yes times are tough, but like I have said time and again before - I embrace tough times. I learn more that way.

Tough times make you think and thinking is good, if you let it be good and positive. Learn to think about things from different angles time and again - and time and again those views will surprise you and uplift you. Unless of course you chose differently.

It's all about attitude and my sweet husband reminds me and we sustain each other - the best we can, but we can always learn.

Learn to be happy.
Learn to overcome.
Learn why life is punching us the way it has decided to and take it in a different angle.
To pursue
Life is a journey.
Journey's take progress.
Progress embraces all - happy and sad, all.
Learning is tough, but is also happy.
Knowledge is gained.
Wisdom is the application of that knowledge over time - sometimes a life time.


Afterall, it's a beautiful day.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rollin' with the Punches

Rollin' with the punches of life... but damn they hurt! I'm tough I know, and I can be a lot tougher still... but I'll admit, I'm tired, I'm burned, I'm worn.... but I'm too bullheaded to quit anytime soon! Which is a good thing. Helps me roll with the punches life has been hitting me with nonstop for the past 3-7 years or more of my life.... eh, might as well say my entire life - but especially the past 3-5 years have been the most challenging and tough. And it's not going to end till I die. Literally.

Remember the Life Exhaust list I gave you all back in February this year? If not take a moment and read it... go on I'll wait.


Okay, whew! Take a breath... and let me bring you up to speed... again for the upmteenth time.

So let's see, right....

**March was my ring finger bone graft from the hip surgery (yes, my hip tends toward the tenderness side of things still, but it is healing and regrowing bone).
**I spent the next 3-5 months in hand therapy, water therapy, and physical therapy. (The water therapy works wonders!)
**I got dumped from my temp job... in April... I am still looking.
**My hand healed in time for me to fully use it again for my summer class which I absolutely loved! My professors (those two ladies own their business, they do what they preach!) are my mentors for my thesis project - an active training portfolio.
**I did fabulous in that class.
**Had some car issues with both cars, but we did fine.
**I had my 5th miscarriage June 23, 2009.
**I made a memorial for my 5 babies.
**More imaging was done, and I do have a "slight" abnormality... but pffft it's not much of one.
**I have two more blood tests I need to do this week to see why my red blood cells are monstrously huge.... hmmm, think it has to do with STRESS?
**Did a ton of job hunting..... still doing job hunting.....
**Went to Goblin Valley July 3, 2009 - yes it was HOT, cause we don't have AC.... but it was fun going across the desert with my family and wow the desert was actually green! Weird!
**That was fun ; )
**August we celebrated our 5th anniversary by climbing the 1100 feet elevation gain straight up to Timpanogos Cave in Utah County (think Provo, Utah) and of course going through the refrigerator on steroids... it was fantastic! Yes, we're still married and happily too ; )
**I started my final semester the beginning of September/ending of August.
**I also paid down $700 on my student loans - that was a nice feeling. Paying over $2000 for tuition not so nice - but this is the last time, that is nice.
**I've unpacked our kitchen - finally!
**We have a friend living with us - which is a nice change from the mundane, she makes me laugh!
**Out of the dark... er, "blue," out of nowhere... my husband got laid off..... YIKES!
**Now we're all three jobless.... with bills.... what are we to do? I have unemployment for another 3-4 weeks and then it's gone.... friend will apply for unemployment and help by paying a little rent.... and husband does get some severance and unemployment.
**We turned in our Packet B, next step the homestudy and we will be licensed to be Foster Parents... but that will wait till next year - which was our plan anyway.
**I thank God for the Bishop's Storehouse... now I just have to figure out what it is they have that I can eat... you know I have major food allergies.

Okay - from the top of my head, you all should be absolutely up to date, to the date, really.

We have made headway on our yard thanks to our girlfriend/housemate. We'll be participating in the Food Allergy Awareness Walk at Wheeler Farm in Murray (think Salt Lake City) Utah on Oct. 3rd. October 2nd I'll be volunteering at the Utah Foster Care Foundation Pumpkin Festival, as well as turning in my Lit Review.... I hope, I better be, I will....... ahem. October 10th we'll be cutting down a big, weedy, dangerous tree! Yay!

Oh, and if you want to read my husband's reaction to being let off, you can read it here.

My view of events:

Monday night I crawl into bed, (earlier that day he told me he had a meeting Tuesday) I turn my bedside lamp off... and all of a sudden he says, "Why's it so dark?" I ask, "You want me to turn the light back on?" He said, "NO." Then asks again why it's so dark, all the time? Perpelexed, I said, "I don't know, it's night right now.... what do you mean?" Silence. Snoring. He's out. Next morning... I'm waiting for my double-timing tingling leg to wake up so I can get dressed and get stuff done... next moment when my feet land on the cold floor I'm startled by our bedroom door suddenly opening and there he is.... it's only what, 10 AM or something. He pulls me to his warm body with a smile on his face to hold me and kiss me.

"I got laid off."

I looked at him absolutely stunned and startled... "What!? You're kidding!"
He continues to hold me against him... "No, I'm serious. That's what the meeting was about, at least the one I went to."

I could do nothing else except to cry as fear slapped me hard in the face and all over..... what's going to happen now? What about our home.... what am I going to do? What are we going to do? My mind was racing and yet, not sure if it wanted to keep what it heard.

We went to the couch as I sobbed. Our housemate came out of her bedroom - "What's wrong? What happened?"

"I got laid off." I didn't see her reaction, my face was shutoff in the dark shadow of my eyelids pressed hard against his lap... I didn't want her to see me cry... but cry and sob I did.

"It's going to be okay... we'll be okay." : ) "I get to look for a new job!"

It has been a roller coaster ride for a long time for me.... emotionally, physically, mentally.

We three went to our married friend's house down the street to raid their garden as they instructed us to. I made excellent pasta sauce and pasta that night from their tomatoes and onions. My girlfriend told me, she was amazed that I didn't cry for long... she would still be crying if she were me. My mind is stable, I have an herbal remedy to keep the mind strong. I am calm. I am afraid. I am calm. I am stressed... I am determined.

I embrace hardship. It is my life. I praise God and His son Jesus Christ.

What have we to learn? I know not yet, but someday I will. Trust is tough love... and I have to trust in God like never before. Oh, Father hear our prayers.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Published, Memories, Poem

Hello All,

As it turns out I'm now related to an up-and-coming famous person. My sister-in-law, an artist, did the artwork for her husband's book! I love books and good stories... and believe me he is a great writer. I get to read his soliloquies at least once a year when he writes the family's yearly Christmas letter. I think he did a fantastic job of writting his version of the tale of Little Fish their second son's birth story - you can read it here. If you enjoy that check out his newly published book Catamount Cody. I'm sure it is a fabulous read! But you don't have to take my word for it; a lady by the name of Andrea Frazer at Life Happins wrote a review. And of course my nephew (of the acclaimed famous) obsiouly loves it good stories too!

They are giving copies away - signed by both I hope... did I mention I love good books of all kinds and varieties? I hope to someday get a signed copy. That would be fun and a great break from the mundane and interestingness of graduate student life. As I am currently working on my final semester and thus my thesis project - yes thesis project. I am making it an active training portfolio. I hope to bring out the creativity I know I posess.

I vaguely remember as a five+ year old in school loving to write... especially writing stories and whatever my creativity feed me. I can remember finding pieces of parchment and writing a story of a dog and cat that were best friends and the adventures they were going to have.... but alas in my efforts to keep my story safe and hidden.... it grew legs and ran away to Neverland where stories never fade... and children never grow up. Later on as a tween I remember a history assignment - that I ended up turning into a very long story about the trek of Father Escalante and his trail... I turned it in something like a month or two... late but received 110+ percent for such a good story and being able to put you in their shoes....... of course I also grew up in the rough terrain of Southern Utah where Father Escalante had to cross so I was itimately familiar with the land.... aw sweet memories. Someday too, I will find that old story and hope to fully transfer it onto the computer and into type.... I love good books, stories, writing and art!

I can't wait for the cold winter days of December to come, with it's jewels of white.
I can't wait for my skin to turn ice in the cold December wind.
I can't wait for the crunch of soft snow jewels that sparkle and dazzle all.
I can't wait for another year to be added to my life,
As I journey forward and close another chapter of my life book.
I can't wait to finish my collegiate schooling,
To walk in pomp and circumstance in the bright May Sun over 1,000 miles yonder.
I can't wait to see my creativity continue to bloom as my sister-and brother-in-law encourage me with their own.
I can't wait to really see what life can bring beyond the night's heavy study of studentry.
I can't wait.
And yet I will.
I must.
Finish a Goal, a dream.
Continue to create my life.
My story.
My own.
I am excited for life to continue.
For further challenges, new and different.
Fostering will come,
of creativity,
of children,
of hope,
of life beyond what I have always known and what I do not yet know.
I can't wait.
Yet I will.
Wait for life,
To see where this journey will continue to go.
To see what God has in store for me.
I can't wait.
Yet I will.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Hello all to those who read my blog. I have updated my personal page for the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network's (FAAN's) walk for food allergy awareness. You can read my story here:

Please help me get the word out about food allergies and to let others like myself know that they are not alone. Even if you can only donate $5, that will help with education and research. Every dollar counts!

Did you know that the majority of people that end up in the ER for administration of Epinephrine for control of an allergic reaction is due to a food allergy? The majority of those that end up in the ER due to an allergic reaction didn't know they had a food allergy.... people have died simply because they ate something they are allergic to!

Here's a great post to help you understand Food Allergies.

The walk for Utah will be October 3, 2009.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Don't Forget About Thursday.... Speeding to Friday

Hi all,

So we had a fabulous fourth of July weekend down in S town. Small towns know how to part-tay! Of course we were lazy, but more on that later.... or you can get a sneak peek here:

Well, in-between my last post and now - I was in a group for two weeks to do a group project, then we jumped into the final two weeks of class - right now the final week of class is 3/4 done - it's Wednesday afterall! Which brings me to this weeks spin cycle: speeding onward to Friday.

The final project is to create a short 5-7 page portfolio that would help give me an edge as a consultant/trainer - of course creativity in presenting it counts.... hmmm. I just thought of a great idea too! I'll utilize my outdated website - I will update it - and present that to them! Of course I'll print out a hard copy of the portfolio pieces and put them in a booklet of sorts to present at future job interviews - that should come in handy!

So, the portfolio will consist of the following - and I quote:

Communication Consulting/Training Portfolio - - Design and develop your own personal portfolio to position yourself competitively as a consultant or trainer (for now or your future career plans) – externally or internally. Elements of this 5-7 page portfolio would include:

    1. Resume or curriculum vitae highlighting your training expertise
    2. “Elevator pitch” for you
    3. Example training or service you would offer
    4. How you would define success in your business or job

So I've definitely got the resume done, and I also have a copy of unofficial transcripts too. Now to do a cover letter, the "Me in 30 Seconds" or "Elevator Pitch", an example of my training/service/skills I could offer, and my definintion of success.

In regards to this week's spin cycle of speeding onward to Friday - Don't Forget About Thursday! It's tomorrow, and as you can see I have plenty to due. I'm very grateful to my hubby for working on the dishes... I sure haven't had a lot of energy - and in order to make it to Friday I need to reserve my energy. So why am I writing a post then? It helps get the juices flowing.... eh, and I just noticed how late it is.... mmmmm.... anyways so ya. Friday will come in the next 50 hours (MST). I have exactly... ok... approximately 10-20 hours to complete everything and get it uploaded to my website and submitted to my instructors and discussion board.

I can understand the wanting to rush to Friday, but really why miss a day? Enjoy it while you can... you only get one mortal life. Once Friday comes and goes I'll be done with my final project, my final elective class. I will have a short break, pay a boatload on tuition and my fee - then it will be on to figuring out what I'm going to do for my final semester - thesis or project? Or will they let me do a hybrid?

Will my final semester end on a Friday in December?

It will be nice to have that Friday come quickly, but at the same time I have 6 months' worth of Thursdays in between now and then....

Don't forget about Thursday.... speeding onward to Friday.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Summer Fever, Senior Fever

Aah. Chamomile tea - very relaxing. Just what I needed following a crazy week of downpouring rain, late to all-nighters, and utmost exhaustion to complete my second assignment of my Communication Consulting and Training course. So now, as my brain unwinds and... ick, headache... I can actually write for fun : ). This past week's spin cycle is summer plans or something to with summer.... ya really tired - which is good. I have to present in the morning.

Anyways... my summer, well as you can see is school, school, and did I say school? Since I had surgery back in March (which it has been 3 months and I'm officially healed! yay!) the timing was perfect so that I finished one class, went into "spring break", and moved my 2nd class of the semester to right now.

For the past two summers I have physcially gone to Gonzaga University campus in Spokane, Washington and loved it! I missed going this summer and staying at the B&B five blocks away.... I have found doing a class during summer is difficult when it's a full 8 weeks, and I don't go to Spokane. But as of today I am half-done! Two assignments down, two to go! And it's only getting more intense! You parents, I don't know how you do it, but you're amazing!

The other thing that's making it hard... this is my second to last class.... that's right 1 more and I'M DONE. D-O-N-E, DONE! No more acadamia as a student for me.... I don't want to hit the bottom of the scale shown here. It's scary how close to the "socks with sandals" area I've been... (if you didn't look at that scale, do so now....)

So I have summer fever and senior fever combined... plus I'm currently without employment, so ya. Great times.

Altough here's what Merlyn and I just designed for my assignement I just finished (yes it will take years to do):

This one is a sketch done to scale by Merlyn of the current layout of our yard.

This one is our xeriscape design for entire yard.
Whew! What a pain to get pics on here.... grrr... anyways it's exciting. But we're hoping to at least begin with:
Painting the house, rebuiding the porch covering, new gutters, redo the grade around the house so water flows away from instead of towards, new side door complete with storm door, new bathroom window, take down those blasted weedy trees, and celebrate our 5th anniversary in August... while living life in between.... whew!

Night ya'll that's all folks.... need sleeeeeeeeeeeeep - and hopefully can get up early enough to shower and prepare for my presenation.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Help with Education

Hi all,

We could really use your help in anyway - especially if you could donate even just $10 to help raise awareness that Food Allergies are very real for a lot of people - myself included. I'm still learning a lot too!

As a reminder I created a team - Hall of Allergies - for the Oct 3rd, 2009 Food Allergy Awareness Walk here in Utah. So please visit our team page at:

Thanks and God Bless!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Our Story

Since I have some time I'm going to do what Evenspor did here. I'm going to do the same, and tell you our story for this past week's Spin Cycle: "I Love You".

It was my second year at Utah State University's College of Natural Resources (CNR). I had moved into the top floor (3rd floor) of the 'natural resource (NR)' floor in the campus housing in between the Engineering and Business buildings, and across from the new library and CNR. It was nice to be right there, pretty much on campus, where you go to class - but what I didn't anticipate was Merlyn.

Not everyone - in fact half of the twenty-four(+/-) women and men that lived on the third floor were not NR majors... It was fall 2003. I was meeting my new neighbors and one in particular was tall, and somewhat handsome (of course at the time I was NOT interested in dating, in the least bit - I wanted to stay as far away from the dating nonsense as I possibly could....)

Sidenote: For those of you unfamiliar with how housing works, there were four apartments per floor that could house up to six people each. Two apartments were for women, two were for men - so it was "co-ed" Utah style. (I say Utah style, because you would rarely find men and women in the same apartment - unlike one of my friends' place in Nevada. I have also lived with men in a house during the summer - at least the few that were single were... uninteresting...)

Right, so we were all friends, yada, yada, college life is great and hard. Round October, the tall man, who told me a nickname then had to prove his real name as Merlyn, started to show interest in me (although I honestly had no idea, except this weird sensation that he liked me - it was like walking into the sunshine after being in the cool of the shade - it really freaked me out!)

Time passed, and when the first Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl was out, our student government was able to do a showing at the Kent Concert Hall. Well, Merlyn, being a man interested in the movie, came into the Quinney Library where I worked one day with tickets in hand to ask me to join him. I said sure, why not, I'd like to see the movie - hey it was free (really it was free, even for him)! On my way to chem lab the day of the movie an odd idea hit me - "Does that mean I'm going on a date?" It seemed weird, but I guess it was.... sort of. We went as friends and nieghbors - but he began hanging around me more and more.....

He later amitted that he was thinking about getting back with an old girlfriend, but then became interested in my girlfriend Jeweles next door. He was shy - and everytime he worked up his courage to go ask her out, he happened to notice a lovely short red-head. So weirdly enough my name kept pushing Jeweles out.... I talked to her about it, and she said she wasn't interested in him - she really liked him, but just as a friend. (She married the man that was Merlyn's roomie - it's funny we both met our future spouses' and didn't even know it... none of us did.)

I liked him - er, I wasn't sure of these "feelings" I was having. They really frightened me. My dreams never really involved a man - at least not until after I was graduated from college and had a "real" life, with a career I enjoyed and traveled the world.... So yes, I was afraid of an early ball and chain.... if that's what you want to call it. I did everything I could consciencoulsy or unconsciencously to see if he would stick around or hopefully give up on me...

And yet somehow we became - gasp - boyfriend/girlfriend in mid-to-late November.

One dinner date I had drank an orginial A&W rootbeer, well, he insisted on opening my door, and with him looking down at me from his stance of over 6' and me at my just over 5' I let all out right in his face! *BELCH* *AHH* *BLUSH* *LAUGH* I'm sure those in the long line of the drive thru heard it! It was LOUD. He looked at me, and I believe he said, "Um, smells like rootbeer." (I'm still laughing about it to this day. Hey he bought me dinner and the rootbeer.)

Well, obviously nothing seemed to deter him. In March of 2004, unexpectedly (even by him - as our whole relationship-thing, was unexpected) he proposed to me (no ring, I was very picky about being able to design it - which I did do)... I was going to wait a month and tell him no - I'd rather date longer & maybe serve a church mission - but I only lasted a week and here we are 4 years and 10 months later into our marriage. We were married August 2004.

Merlyn I Love You!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Food Allergies

Hi all,

It's Food Allergy Awareness Week, May 10-16, 2009.

I created a team - Hall of Allergies - for the Oct 3rd, 2009 Food Allergy Awareness Walk. So please visit our team page at:

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Yay! Our bishop's surgery was a success! Yay, he made it to ICU. Yay, he's alive! Thank the Lord, Almighty! What a relief..... whew!

This past week has been a beautiful week - despite the utter shock - and today we enjoyed going over to the Conservancy District Conservation Garden, where I talked to a member of UFAN (Utah Food Allergy Network) and got a free box of Enjoy Life double chocolate brownies.... and also ran into someone that works for the BLM doing wildland fire stuff and recognized her from the East Fork Fire back in 2002! I got her bus card and will be networking with her... wish me luck!

Got over $600 worth of repairs done on our Geo Metro - all new brake system in the front and new exhaust, the entire thing. It's weird to drive such a quite car! I could actually hear myself think and nothing else! I think it was that quite when my parents bought it 12 years ago... it's been too long and I can't remember - and it's been really loud, so loud people with the real glass packs would look at us funny - you know Geo with glass packs HA! I think we'll be investing in window tinting for the car(s) - we put that much in, they're staying with us, so long as they keep going.

Saved every bit of cash we got, enjoyed Cinco de Mayo with some cash, bought new mattress covers and a twin bed set... now we just have to finish figuring out our emergency plan and prepare our home so we can get licensed!

My class starts May 18th! I'm ready! No job, yet. Just trying to sell our couch and organize, find a job and be able to be Foster Parents....

Friday, May 8, 2009


My ring finger scar 7 weeks post-op.

Spring - mixed emotions!

I know it's been some time since my last post, but as you are well aware, my life takes no rest. I do want to make a correction to my last post those things happened in 2 years, not 2.5 - but that doesn't matter.

So I got out of my December brace briefly in February. I completed my first spring class just in time for benign vertigo - which is being so dizzy you can't do anything except find a certain position that lessens the nausea, spinning and headache. That was the first Tuesday of March, the first Wednesday of March I was considerably better minus my increasingly swollen ring finger which just healed from the bone cyst being fractured. The pain was all the pains they ask, all of them all at once! Luckily it wasn't broken so we set my surgery date for the following Thursday, March 12, 2009. That week was torture, no pain killer - which I can only take max strength Tylenol, ice or heat - nothing soothed the pain.... I went to work Friday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday prior to surgery. Talk about pure torture! The Tuesday prior to my surgery the liquid built up in my finger burst and three things happened at once:
1. The pressure release was a relief
2. But at the same time it hurt all the worse because there was nothing padding my empty & near boneless finger
3. And I could feel the wetness under the surface of my finger, then the unquenchable fire flowing down my finger, my hand, my wrist, my arm up into my lmpyhs in my armpit and my jaw, any extra cyst fluid, aka toxin, flowed out my sinus's' down my throat making it too burn like mad. I pushed myself onward, holding back the tears, gagging and nausea to keep working and try to focus on something else (yes I called and left a message for my doctor, and I called my sweet hubby). So I suffered, as I always do, the best I can - and keep going.

Well, I went in early Thursday morning and received more torture as my veins roll and the two people trying to stick me with an IV failed until they finally tried the area I know can be hit best, the inside of my elbow - of course by that point I was completely soaked from my own sweat and shaking so bad, it's a wonder they were able to finally hit it - I was in complete shock and finally passed out in the operating room just as they moved me and administered the anesthetic heavily. The anesthesiologist told my husband as we kissed before rolling me into the surgery "suite" that I wouldn't remember - yea right! Although the stuff used for this surgery was for people like me with an allergy to eggs - so it actually wasn't as bad as the stuff used for my short 20 min EGD. This surgery from the time I went into surgery to the time hubby saw me again was 4.5 hours. I was supposed to rest for the day there - but the ***!!##$% post-op nurse decided without consulting me, my husband or my doctor that I had to wake up and go home! I won't go into any more details, cause it makes me full of anger and bad tongue.

They took bone from my left hip - in order to graft that bone into my ring finger - so moving me was bad - for once in I have no idea how long I was pain free and comfortable, and I was rudely moved...... but that doesn't matter now.

What matters right now is that I am seeking the Lord and especially for Him to accept my fast and prayer for our bishop who is undergoing open-heart surgery unexpectedly. I went to the hospital yesterday - as I found this out just Wednesday night - to see if they were ok. Instead of me comforting his wife, she comforted me - I did not get to see him as he was exhausted from all the poking and prodding.... I pray he does well and comes through and that his recovery is steadfast as the Lord willith.

I thank God that I can now use my finger again, not fully yet, but I can type - I can walk.... pool therapy and hand therapy is truly amazing. It will be two months on May 12th. I pray that bishop will be able to recover to the point he can go home at the end of this month.... and that in June I can visit him sometime.... but for now I pray for good news, I pray he makes it to ICU, then onward from there.

PSALM 39:12 "Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears...."

JOHN 14: 1 "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

13 "And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

14 If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

As a friend whose wife just miscarried their first blurted out "Spring Sucks!"

Ironic really - spring the coming forth of new life, our Savior's precious Atonement all in spring. But maybe that's why it's hard. We need to learn to understand the Atonement our Savior suffered because of His love for all of us.... that strikes me awe and calms my soul. My soul is still pained for the love and concern of those I know and care about. My prayers are also for an old high school friend's little baby as she battles rare brain cancer and for anyone else who needs them. I am no better than anyone else, and I have been weak and sinful for a long time... but I am engraven in my Savior's hands and he has not forgotten or let go of me. My bishop's shocking surgery is a blessing in disguise - I am becoming more fervent in wanting to do better, in seeking out the Lord even more. I have not been able to fast for a long time becuase of my own health, but I am. For the sake of my beloved friends, family, and for my soul.

O, beloved God, help us all! O weak flesh and mere mortal that I am! Foolish I am! Omnipotent and Loving is our Father and Savior! I was once fearful of happiness and joy - now I seek to know them! I embrace my pains, trials and tribulations! O, beloved Father and Savior help and guide us! I emplore Thee oh Most Holy One, hear the cry of my heart.

PSALM 55: 1 "Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication.

2 Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise;

4 My heart is sore pained within me..."

PSALM 55:16 "As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me.

17 Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.

22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee...."


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Life Exhaust

Or should it be life is exhausting? I have though, officially applied to graduate this December 2009 with my Master of Art in Communication Leadership from Gonzaga University! Yea! I plan on driving to Spokane, Washington in May 2010 to celebrate and participate in commencement. But in the mean time I have senior fever. You know the:

"I'm nearly done syndrome"
"Can't wait to be done"
"Is this week done & did I finish everything - man I can't seem to focus syndrome"
"The, why am I still in school?" syndrome..... and so forth.

Yep definitely hard to focus. But I've got to, I have to make it!

One of my current classmates mentioned how they admire my strange will to keep going, they're right it is a strong and strange will - but I hate to start something and not finish!

Life is certainly exhausting, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically - it's no wonder we age. After constant trauma over the past 2.5 years, I'm exhausted. But I have an absolutely wonderful (& expensive) Naturopathic Physician who is guiding me towards better self-care and health. She is amazing - she sees me as a real person, not patient number so and so....

And yet, chatting with my whitefire sister, her trauma (thank the lord she and her daughter are still alive!) made mine feel a touch lighter. Yet both our trauma is just as heavy as the others', just obtusely different trials and tribulations.

In just 2.5 years (actually not even that) I have:

Begun Grad school.
Had my husband wreck our car (he was ok).
Beloved Aunt die.
Fix car.
Live apart for 2 months.
Family Wedding & Apartment Hunt.
Have a miscarriage all alone (3-4 mos along).
Work full-time in a pioneer outfit in 100+ degree weather Monday thru Saturday.
Family Wedding.
Bought our first home - of course a fixer-upper, major.
Lived with my grandfather and my Alzhiemer grandmother - and cousin/husband for 8 months.
Hubby's granmother's funeral.
Crappy Job.
Second Miscarriage.
Third Miscarriage.
Temp Job.
No Job.
Hubby's Class
Pre-service Foster Care Classes (32 hours in 1 month)
Bone Cyst.
Hubby's grandfather's funeral.
Fourth Miscarriage.

You tired yet? That doesn't involve all the nitty-gritty of everyday living or fixing up the house or...

Don't get me wrong, life is great, fantastic, enjoyable. Life is certainly yin and yang - good and bad. I have definitely learned a hell of a lot more than I ever would have had I not known all that I know now, and a lot of it only I understand. It makes life all the more precious and meaningful. Even if life's exhaust seems to swallow us whole.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I know it's been some time since I began this blog, but a plethora of things have happened; which with the way my life is, don't be surprised. But, I feel as though writing here will be a little therapeutic - despite my current crisis mode and stress for needing to finish my final paper for my most recent class to change my incomplete grade to a grade. I have Encondroma, which is a bone cyst surrounding my ring finger from the knuckle to the first joint, and the tip of my pinkie finger is the size of area the cyst has replaced the inside of my bone as well. Due to this, I was one-handed for nearly 2 months. I'm finally able to "wean" away from my brace; but I still have to have surgery in May with a bone graft from my hip (not looking forward to that).

Now, according to the title of this blog, yes we were robbed today. Our house was broken into and $2100 worth of belongings were stolen (which is a lot for us, as we don't have much in the avenue of money or things). Thankfully they didn't care to take our wedding rings or paperwork with our personal information all over it (we're in the process of refinancing our house, gee what timing.) They did take our laptop which does have information, or did. The great police officers of our city have already recovered our laptop and arrested one of the men. All within a few hours of me getting home, calling Kabaju, and everyone else I could locally; and helping them gather as much evidence as possible.

The freaky thing though is the fact that as I was stepping out this morning to go to work I had a feeling that I was being watched. According to our pre-paid cell phone activity they began making calls at 10:40 am this morning. I headed out to work at 9:20 am. *gah, shiver* When I got home the snow shovel was tipped over in the driveway (even though there was no wind whatsoever), there were 2 coffee cups next to the house, both bedroom lights were on, and my dresser and jewelry were obviously rummaged through - talk about heavy violation. Even Kabaju feels violated.

It was neat that the sergeant enjoyed showing me how the finger print powder worked and that it was easier to get fingerprints when people were cold as compared to warm. He asked if I ever watched CSI. I told him I had in the past, but not really. He told me don't believe them; to which I responded why would I it's Hollywood, they're always fake. I never did blurt out that I was not one to be messed with, and we did everything possible to help track the petty thieves down - although one is still at large. Stupid McDonald's for not having surveillance - they left behind 2 coffee cups from McDonald's. The man was staying at a shady place about .25 mile from our house.... either way stupid thieves don't mess with me! I'm no dummy!

So now I get to lose a day's pay to stay home and take care of a mess, and redo all our accounts, and find out how that will affect our refinancing; all the while trying to keep my head together enough so I can finish that darned final paper! I've already applied to graduate this December! I'm too close not to finish... I will finish!