Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Baby Dragon
Hello
everyone. Last I wrote I was, for the first time in a total of 8
pregnancies 6.5 months along. Now, as I write this time, I have my
baby in my lap at ~7 weeks old.
I
gave birth to a beautiful, happy, healthy baby GIRL. In all honesty,
we did cave and "peeked" at what baby was in a very late
ultrasound around 7 months along at the beginning of May - but we
kept it secret, haha. I had such a late follow-up ultrasound after
the typical one at 5 months, due to a low-lying placenta. We wanted
to see if it was pulled up with the further expansion of the uterine
muscles. Why? Well, if the placenta had remained "low" -
which means down by my cervix - I would have been subjected to a
Cesarean birth to avoid the major risk of hemorrhage that would have
been caused by the placenta separating from the uterine wall as my
cervix thinned and opened (dilated). Thankfully, baby's head was
lower than the placenta which confirmed that the placenta indeed was
pulled up and no longer low and a major risk. Which also meant I was
free to birth vaginally.
I
debated between (and compared) two birthing classes: Hypnobirthing
and Birthing From Within. In the end, Birthing From Within won out -
and matched our schedules better. Before we knew it, the class began
and then ended. I look forward to our post-partum gathering.
How'd
the birth go? In short, here's my birth story:
Just
shy of my baby's "due" date, at my weekly follow-up visit,
my blood pressure spiked - and with how very, very swollen I was
those days, I ended up having pre-eclampsia. To avoid eclampsia, my
doctor sent me in to be induced. She wanted me to start with
pictocin, but in speaking with her she agreed to let me start with a
"ripening" agent called Cervidil. I was 85% effaced
(thinned), and ~1.5 cm dilated. Was I happy about being induced? No.
Do I have any regrets about how my birth went in the end? Nope. I'd
do it all over again. I'm glad that I was able to avoid eclampsia and
the accompanying emergency Cesarean birth that would have followed.
In
the end, the nurses I had at St. Mark's and my OB were all wonderful.
My neighbor was equally wonderful in coming over to assist my husband
in giving me a blessing - because I was stressed and nervous... etc -
so many emotions! Then, my dear friend a physical therapist came that
night and gave me a long full body message. I am eternally grateful
for her. I entered laborland shortly thereafter (~2 hours later)
stress and tense free. After 8 hours, they pulled the cervidil (took
the medicine away), because my body took off and labor was full on. I
was 100% effaced and 3-4 cm; they thought it would take 12 hours and
then would start pictocin (artificial oxytocin) to get contractions
going. The entire time I and baby were monitored. They did let me off
the monitors to use the jetted tub for coping technique for ~1 hour
or so. In the next 4 hours after the medicine was pulled, I went from
3/4 to 9-10 cm (which is fully open/dilated). At the 12 hour mark, my
OB came in. She was happy for me, and was a great support. She did
break my water - as it had not yet broken, even though I was already
starting to push. I was ready, it was time, and I knew it. It was
interesting the change from laboring to open, to birthing (pushing) -
I had a renewed sense of energy - which was a good thing. It took 1.5
hours to birth my baby. She came presented vertex (facing sideways).
In the end, she kicked me and it helped propel her out. It was
intriguing feeling her body being born - after her head had been
born. Hubby cut the cord, helped the nurse wipe her off, held her and
then laid her on me - skin to skin. She was wide awake, looking at
me, and sucked her thumb - all while my OB stitched me up from a tier
2 tear.
No,
I didn't stare at the clock a lot - maybe in the beginning, although
after awhile the clock didn't make sense since labor has it's own
clock. I know about how long everything took since my hubby took note
of when the induction began and when baby was born - he slept most of
the night - although he did do what he could to support me every now
and then during the night (which thankfully ended up being short -
though at the time, I didn't even notice in the shift from night to
day except for the change in nurses).
All
in all, labor and birth lasted a total of 13.5 hours - thank heavens!
It was short, quick, intense and incredible! I did not take any pain
meds until after birth - I birthed my baby with absolute minimal
intervention. I praise God for it all.
Yes,
she's a redhead just like me & her daddy's beard. : ) She was
little - at 6 lbs 10.6 oz, 18.5 inches long. She had a lovely round
head, lovely hair, and dark eyes (now that her eyes are no longer
glassy, it would seem they are mix of my & hubby's eyes - I call
them Brown Hazel). She's an absolute doll - and still is. I love her
smiles. We call her our Baby Dragon.
The fist picture is her brand new (within her 1st week). The second is her at ~6 weeks old.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Good Riddance 2011... Hello 2012
2011 was tough. A lot of good happened. It was also hell. Glad it's been over for some time. Our new year didn't really begin until Chinese New Year 2012.
Beginning 2011 Princess Frog left us....
Spring 2011 I taught a class. My sister graduated from college and moved in. She also ended up getting a kitten. I also went to an RE and did a bunch more testing that was expensive.... it showed nothing abnormal or wrong as usual.... I was done.
Summer 2011 I ended up picking up a class halfway through... and just before that ended up on Jury Duty (I was sick the entire time which really sucked).
Late Summer 2011 I volunteered at the County Fair and we entered some photos.
Fall 2011 I took the leap to teach the max allowable allotment of classes: 3. I had ~80 students total.... I was also going to work at the State Fair.... but....
Labor Day weekend we got our second placement... a newborn baby girl - who we called Duckie. I guess that is what having the hubby take a turn with testing will do. Haha. I was done - there was no more testing I could do. I worked at the State Fair for 1 day and then got a baby. My boss was awesome about it. The fall semester had been underway so I had a new baby and 3 classes with 80 students.... yep, nuts.
Duckie stayed with us for only 5 weeks. I got to meet her biological grandparents. She went to the family that adopted her siblings a few years previous - they had to get their license renewed.... Her caseworker was awesome. It was much smoother going than Princess Frog's case. What did make it hard was having her move not long after my best friend miscarried.... I bawled a lot in a short amount of time.
I ended up off track with keeping up on grading student's assignments... but by darn I survived... despite the affects of slight CO poisoning.... that's right soon as we turned on our furnace it was leaking a bit from it's inner depths... We could smell a small amount of gas, so we opened the smallest basement window.... we called our neighbor that does HVAC... they affirmed the furnace was leaking. Great. It was old... and the part that was leaking... well was the entirety of the inside of the furnace... the new furnaces are made so the inside has separate pieces that can be replaced. So off the furnace was turned... it was cold. They were nice and lent us 2 heavy duty space heaters that got us through until they could get our furnace installed. Good thing I had my job. Around exact same time that our furnace was installed and paid for... we sold our little blue giant (geo metro). That happened a lot faster than anticipated... we had already agreed to sell the little giant so we could buy my sister's car. My sister that lived with us, decided to serve a religious mission. Good thing I did pick up so many classes - we were able to replace our furnace and a car because of it. No debt incurred and no long-term ding to our savings. (We also agreed to take care of her kitten turned cat until she returns next summer.)
In the middle of all of that fun.... After hubby did his test and 5-6 months worth of tracking certain pieces of my cycle and knowing exactly when those pieces of my cycle occurred, we decided to "go for it".... Was I scared? I was beside myself... but my body wanted a baby right now... so scared... so beyond scared... At hubby's follow-up visit a couple weeks later the test was positive, faint and slow-coming but positive. I tested that morning too - same thing. I was immediately put on a natural form of progesterone to help sustain the pregnancy (no guarantee, but hope). Next morning same. I got 3 (faint) positive pregnancy tests! I did a blood test right after the appointment and had to wait.... no call came all day next day.... so I finally called the after-hours doctor and a nurse called me next day.... HCG was 208! RE was hoping for an absolute minimum of 5-10 (or something like that). Wow! Did another blood test 4 days later... 24 hours... result: HCG 1315! Holy whoa! RE was hoping for the 208 to double to 416... it went up just over 6 times what we were hoping.... It was confirmed: I was at that point (as the doctor's count it) 1 month along.
I was also deep into the fall semester... I had ~1 month left. By semester's end I was around to just over 2 months along - barely. No one knew (except me, hubby, and all my dr's). I had 3 ultrasounds, 1 visit to my PCP, and 1 typical prenatal checkup at the end of the year... then they made me wait an entire month for my next prenatal visit! It was nerve-wracking!
Oh, and what made the end of 2011 hell: with ~1.5-2 weeks of the semester left we got a call from a source outside DCFS to tell us Princess Frog was back into Foster Care.... and we needed to get her back because her bio mom's rights were gone (relinquished or terminated - can't remember which).... of course it had to come during the weekend... urg! We immediately left messages for our RFC, and appropriate personnel, including the Ombudsmen.... Long story short: 2 weeks to contact the team as to why and what happened we got an answer of: "you're not involved, so we can't tell you anything." They broke a law by never informing us... yet no one was punished.... a committee was setup to review the case... it took a month... we presented to the committee. They couldn't decide. The whole situation was escalated to the Region Head of DCFS... we meet with higher ups... about a lot of concerns. Due to damn bureaucratic slowness... and holidays it took another month for a final decision.... At this point we learn that Princess Frog has been with her 3rd foster family for ~2+ months and that her bio mom is now deceased. She is more than fully up for adoption - in theory we should be the ones to be able to adopt her without question.... but... it was too late. The system was too slow. We lost her forever. Literally. Our first adoption loss.... we were devastated. We didn't even decorate for Christmas (which has never ever happened... ever). We did spend time with family, do presents and stuff... but it was very painful.... very very few people knew.... and know.
Somehow God's grace let my pregnancy hold through all this. Our new year of 2012 began with the Chinese New Year. It is the Year of the Water Dragon. We are going to have a baby dragon. : ) Thus our theme is Dragons. I have made it to ~6.5 months along! We are very excited. We told our family and friends when I made it to the 4 month mark (plus by then I really couldn't hide the pregnancy anymore). My best friend was told 1-2 months ahead of family and friends - I needed her support since she could relate to what I was going through. People were insensitive at Christmas and questioned me on my weight... I had already begun to gain a pouch at 2 months... I wasn't surprised... but was hoping not to pop until later.... No, we are not finding out what we are having. It's a surprise. : ) It was something to watch the baby go from a tiny blob, to a little bigger blob... to holy wow! That really is a baby in there! Hello, 2012 - we are looking forward to a new beginning. A new life. A permanent addition to our family.
Beginning 2011 Princess Frog left us....
Spring 2011 I taught a class. My sister graduated from college and moved in. She also ended up getting a kitten. I also went to an RE and did a bunch more testing that was expensive.... it showed nothing abnormal or wrong as usual.... I was done.
Summer 2011 I ended up picking up a class halfway through... and just before that ended up on Jury Duty (I was sick the entire time which really sucked).
Late Summer 2011 I volunteered at the County Fair and we entered some photos.
Fall 2011 I took the leap to teach the max allowable allotment of classes: 3. I had ~80 students total.... I was also going to work at the State Fair.... but....
Labor Day weekend we got our second placement... a newborn baby girl - who we called Duckie. I guess that is what having the hubby take a turn with testing will do. Haha. I was done - there was no more testing I could do. I worked at the State Fair for 1 day and then got a baby. My boss was awesome about it. The fall semester had been underway so I had a new baby and 3 classes with 80 students.... yep, nuts.
Duckie stayed with us for only 5 weeks. I got to meet her biological grandparents. She went to the family that adopted her siblings a few years previous - they had to get their license renewed.... Her caseworker was awesome. It was much smoother going than Princess Frog's case. What did make it hard was having her move not long after my best friend miscarried.... I bawled a lot in a short amount of time.
I ended up off track with keeping up on grading student's assignments... but by darn I survived... despite the affects of slight CO poisoning.... that's right soon as we turned on our furnace it was leaking a bit from it's inner depths... We could smell a small amount of gas, so we opened the smallest basement window.... we called our neighbor that does HVAC... they affirmed the furnace was leaking. Great. It was old... and the part that was leaking... well was the entirety of the inside of the furnace... the new furnaces are made so the inside has separate pieces that can be replaced. So off the furnace was turned... it was cold. They were nice and lent us 2 heavy duty space heaters that got us through until they could get our furnace installed. Good thing I had my job. Around exact same time that our furnace was installed and paid for... we sold our little blue giant (geo metro). That happened a lot faster than anticipated... we had already agreed to sell the little giant so we could buy my sister's car. My sister that lived with us, decided to serve a religious mission. Good thing I did pick up so many classes - we were able to replace our furnace and a car because of it. No debt incurred and no long-term ding to our savings. (We also agreed to take care of her kitten turned cat until she returns next summer.)
In the middle of all of that fun.... After hubby did his test and 5-6 months worth of tracking certain pieces of my cycle and knowing exactly when those pieces of my cycle occurred, we decided to "go for it".... Was I scared? I was beside myself... but my body wanted a baby right now... so scared... so beyond scared... At hubby's follow-up visit a couple weeks later the test was positive, faint and slow-coming but positive. I tested that morning too - same thing. I was immediately put on a natural form of progesterone to help sustain the pregnancy (no guarantee, but hope). Next morning same. I got 3 (faint) positive pregnancy tests! I did a blood test right after the appointment and had to wait.... no call came all day next day.... so I finally called the after-hours doctor and a nurse called me next day.... HCG was 208! RE was hoping for an absolute minimum of 5-10 (or something like that). Wow! Did another blood test 4 days later... 24 hours... result: HCG 1315! Holy whoa! RE was hoping for the 208 to double to 416... it went up just over 6 times what we were hoping.... It was confirmed: I was at that point (as the doctor's count it) 1 month along.
I was also deep into the fall semester... I had ~1 month left. By semester's end I was around to just over 2 months along - barely. No one knew (except me, hubby, and all my dr's). I had 3 ultrasounds, 1 visit to my PCP, and 1 typical prenatal checkup at the end of the year... then they made me wait an entire month for my next prenatal visit! It was nerve-wracking!
Oh, and what made the end of 2011 hell: with ~1.5-2 weeks of the semester left we got a call from a source outside DCFS to tell us Princess Frog was back into Foster Care.... and we needed to get her back because her bio mom's rights were gone (relinquished or terminated - can't remember which).... of course it had to come during the weekend... urg! We immediately left messages for our RFC, and appropriate personnel, including the Ombudsmen.... Long story short: 2 weeks to contact the team as to why and what happened we got an answer of: "you're not involved, so we can't tell you anything." They broke a law by never informing us... yet no one was punished.... a committee was setup to review the case... it took a month... we presented to the committee. They couldn't decide. The whole situation was escalated to the Region Head of DCFS... we meet with higher ups... about a lot of concerns. Due to damn bureaucratic slowness... and holidays it took another month for a final decision.... At this point we learn that Princess Frog has been with her 3rd foster family for ~2+ months and that her bio mom is now deceased. She is more than fully up for adoption - in theory we should be the ones to be able to adopt her without question.... but... it was too late. The system was too slow. We lost her forever. Literally. Our first adoption loss.... we were devastated. We didn't even decorate for Christmas (which has never ever happened... ever). We did spend time with family, do presents and stuff... but it was very painful.... very very few people knew.... and know.
Somehow God's grace let my pregnancy hold through all this. Our new year of 2012 began with the Chinese New Year. It is the Year of the Water Dragon. We are going to have a baby dragon. : ) Thus our theme is Dragons. I have made it to ~6.5 months along! We are very excited. We told our family and friends when I made it to the 4 month mark (plus by then I really couldn't hide the pregnancy anymore). My best friend was told 1-2 months ahead of family and friends - I needed her support since she could relate to what I was going through. People were insensitive at Christmas and questioned me on my weight... I had already begun to gain a pouch at 2 months... I wasn't surprised... but was hoping not to pop until later.... No, we are not finding out what we are having. It's a surprise. : ) It was something to watch the baby go from a tiny blob, to a little bigger blob... to holy wow! That really is a baby in there! Hello, 2012 - we are looking forward to a new beginning. A new life. A permanent addition to our family.
Monday, July 11, 2011
A Thought
“Women must first develop courage. Courage is the most important of all virtues because without courage, they cannot practice any other virtue consistently. A woman can be kind, fair, strong, generous, courteous and even loving, erratically. But to be that continuously, consistently, you have to have courage.”
–Maya Angelou
Pulled from: http://myhopefuljourney.com/courageous-women
Also I really like this poem.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Adoption
I've mentioned adoption quite a bit while talking about infertility. As I have previously mentioned, adoption is quite daunting for both sides. To give you an idea of how overwhelming it can be and what the process is like I have listed belowlots and lots of links to various websites. If you are interested in Adoption, please feel free to use these links as needed and I do wish you the best. The range in cost I have found to be ~$10,000-50,000 (I tend to focus on domestic adoption, but international tends to be ~$15,000-50,000).
Please remember overall that Adoption is a truly selfless act of love. It is amazingwhat adoption can do for so many lives. I hope to one day experience the miracle of adoption and be able to thank a birthmother/parent/family. We hope to do so debt free. Please be aware that I am NOT affiliated nor do I endorse any of the sites listed. Ihave these sites merely from searching about adoption. This is by no means a completely exhaustive list either - there are many more agencies out there that I have not listed.These lists are arranged via alphabetical order.
Mainly for Birthmothers/BirthParent(s):
Adoption Planners
I Heart Adoption
Little Angel Adoptions The Adoption Foundation
Adoption (many of these sites are for both adoptive families and birth families):A Act of Love
Adoption.comAdopt Help
Adoption Network Law Center (We requested further information and found out their costs range from $30,000-40,000)
American Adoptions Adopt US Kids A Baby Step
FAQ for A Baby Step Adoption Beacon House Adoption Services Beacon House Process and Application for Domestic Adoption A Child's Dream Process for A Child's Dream Crossroads Adoption Services An Application from Crossroads
Child Welfare Information Gateway
Children's Service Society Direct Adoptions (This website is not an agency. It is a place to create a profile and connect directly with birthfamilies; see brochure link). Brochure for Direct Adoptions (Price for membership: ~$300, plus ~$60 per month)Heart to Heart Summary of Process for Heart to Heart Adoptions Applications & Home Study Packets for Heart to Heart Fees for Heart to Heart Adoptions Hoping to Adopt Independent Adoption Center It's About Love
My Adoption Agencies (A search for agencies in Utah, but you can search your state.)
National Adoption Center National Adoption Foundation Fund Your AdoptionParent Profiles (This website is similar to Direct Adoptions. Cost is ~$100 per month). Premier Adoption
Premier Adoption Cost
The Adoption Center The Adoption Exchange
Utah Department of Human Services
Utah's Child & Family Services Adoption Connection
Resources:
Financial Aid
Affording Adoption Foundation
Gift of Adoption Fund
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Infertility ABC
So, I found the ABC's of Infertility over at Not Sugar Coated to be interesting and thought it would be even more interesting to fill it out and see what the difference in infertility would be like in the alphabet.....
Here goes....
A) Age when you started TTC: I think TTC = Trying To Conceive? No problem there! Just stop using male & female birth control and the rest = pregnant....
B) Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C) Children wanted: Um.... 3 is a good number but so is 5.... I honestly don't remember what we both said... but then again before the miscarriages I really didn't want any... or at least I was not ready and had no idea when I would be.
D) Dog/Cat/Fill in Children: No dog or cat - have allergies... but would like one of each. We are Foster Parents: right now no child(ren).
E) Essential oils/ Vitamins/ Snail Oils: I take a prenatal; have been for some time.
F) Fertility meds I've taken: Progesterone. I don't think Birth control pills or the Nuvaring counts....
G) Gain: Uh... well before I met my husband and I entered college I lost 22 pounds - didn't mean to! I was very disgustingly skin and bones.... I worked on gaining and maintaining.... Got married just before my 3rd year of college. Lived in a hell hole, then moved to a really nice place - while there I stabilized and went from an ill 125/130 to a healthier 150 and stayed for at least a year... then the last month of school & graduating I became pregnant with #1. I lost #1 Easter 2007 at 4 months going on 5 months.... I weighed myself just after the loss and I seem to remember being around 180.... Well, I just can't seem to drop below 165.
H) HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Not sure what this is.... Never been done. I've done an SIS and other imaging.
I) Infertile Pet Peeves: I feel like people don't accept that miscarriage is natural & is a form of infertility - neither is shameful. The taboos of society that suffocate open advocacy and support for those of us that have miscarried. The feeling of shame. The feeling of loneliness and abandonment because I have miscarried. Not being accepted for who I am. "Advice." Just don't give it, please - I'm tired of hearing it (a hug is always appreciated and acknowledgement of what I just informed you of).
J) Job title: Currently Myself. I have been: Adjunct Faculty at the Community College, Foster Mom, both Grad & Undergrad Student, and many more!
K) Kids name you're afraid will be taken by the time you have kids: Girl's name became common: Eliza. Boy's name: Bryce.
L) Length of time TTC: Uh..... well see M.
M) Miscarriages: 7 in 4 years.... 2007: 1; 2008: 2; 2009: 2; 2010: 2. Planned: # 3 & 5. Unexpected: #1, & 2. Chance: #4. Not on Birth Control of anykind (nothing planned, but no avoidance either): #6 & 7.
N) Number of times you've switched OB/GYN's, RE's: Moved away from college after graduation and first miscarriage (had no $ to see a doctor before move)... got in to a horrible Midwife who was of no help whatsoever & didn't check to make sure everything was fine... Got into an OB/GYN 3 months after first miscarriage (which, yes everything was fine - no D&C). Insurance changed via husband's employer + OB/GYN office moved did not provide new contact.... So got OB/GYN #2 (really disliked him), he confirmed miscarriage #3, and did imaging and some bloodwork.... switched to Midwife #2 in same office.... husband's employer changed, so insurance changed 2 more times. After a good length of time, now have new OB/GYN #3 and will be seeing first RE next month.
O) Ovarian quality: PCOS (Mainly the left one, so is "minor", but has not been looked into any further - was confirmed by PCP via imaging results that OB/GYN #2 sent me in to have done....
P) POAS or wait for AF: I honestly have no idea what the hell this means.....
Q) Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Advice of anykind.... The look of well, miscarriage does not count as infertility or the look of shame and shock at my bluntness about such things! "You can always adopt."
S) Sperm: He has yet to be tested.... but obviously I have been pregnant multiple times.... guess we'll find out in the near future.
T) Time tried naturally: Refer back to M. Although I was put on the progesterone just before #2.
U) Uterus: It's fine and dandy, except for one small abnormality - which I have been told is no big deal... OB/GYN #3 wants to find out if Endometriosis exists there......
V) Vagina: Hahaha.... It's had it's share of probing and problems that confound the doctors to the point of: they have no idea what to do. They tell me all looks and feels "normal" but certain things I describe are not...... It remains an annoying mystery - so I take herbal remedies that seem to actually help.....
W) What baby stuff do you have already: When doing foster care you need the basics so before we ever had a baby in the house: a pack n play, crib sheets, blanket, car seat, space-saver high chair, stroller, a few bottles, and baby bowls/utensils. We began with only those things... we really did not have anything else - the baby's bed is the pack n play. We don't know what age/size or gender the child will be. We did also prepare with a twin bed in case we got a child that was old enough/big enough to sleep in it. Now, after 1 placement and thanks to the generosity of my sister-in-law, I have quite a bit of clothing on hand. We also now have children's tylenol/ibprofen too.
X) X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Those who actually open their ears beyond hearing "miscarriage, can't carry" and don't proceed with their idea of advice.... Some of our family and friends, and who ever reads my blog!
Y) Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yes. The exam isn't just those lady parts down low, but involves the ones up high too... the girls should not be forgotten. I haven't undergone regular fertility stuff.... yet.
Z) Zits: Ever since puberty... that's nothing new. They have tended to scar my face, because they are deep.
Here goes....
A) Age when you started TTC: I think TTC = Trying To Conceive? No problem there! Just stop using male & female birth control and the rest = pregnant....
B) Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C) Children wanted: Um.... 3 is a good number but so is 5.... I honestly don't remember what we both said... but then again before the miscarriages I really didn't want any... or at least I was not ready and had no idea when I would be.
D) Dog/Cat/Fill in Children: No dog or cat - have allergies... but would like one of each. We are Foster Parents: right now no child(ren).
E) Essential oils/ Vitamins/ Snail Oils: I take a prenatal; have been for some time.
F) Fertility meds I've taken: Progesterone. I don't think Birth control pills or the Nuvaring counts....
G) Gain: Uh... well before I met my husband and I entered college I lost 22 pounds - didn't mean to! I was very disgustingly skin and bones.... I worked on gaining and maintaining.... Got married just before my 3rd year of college. Lived in a hell hole, then moved to a really nice place - while there I stabilized and went from an ill 125/130 to a healthier 150 and stayed for at least a year... then the last month of school & graduating I became pregnant with #1. I lost #1 Easter 2007 at 4 months going on 5 months.... I weighed myself just after the loss and I seem to remember being around 180.... Well, I just can't seem to drop below 165.
H) HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Not sure what this is.... Never been done. I've done an SIS and other imaging.
I) Infertile Pet Peeves: I feel like people don't accept that miscarriage is natural & is a form of infertility - neither is shameful. The taboos of society that suffocate open advocacy and support for those of us that have miscarried. The feeling of shame. The feeling of loneliness and abandonment because I have miscarried. Not being accepted for who I am. "Advice." Just don't give it, please - I'm tired of hearing it (a hug is always appreciated and acknowledgement of what I just informed you of).
J) Job title: Currently Myself. I have been: Adjunct Faculty at the Community College, Foster Mom, both Grad & Undergrad Student, and many more!
K) Kids name you're afraid will be taken by the time you have kids: Girl's name became common: Eliza. Boy's name: Bryce.
L) Length of time TTC: Uh..... well see M.
M) Miscarriages: 7 in 4 years.... 2007: 1; 2008: 2; 2009: 2; 2010: 2. Planned: # 3 & 5. Unexpected: #1, & 2. Chance: #4. Not on Birth Control of anykind (nothing planned, but no avoidance either): #6 & 7.
N) Number of times you've switched OB/GYN's, RE's: Moved away from college after graduation and first miscarriage (had no $ to see a doctor before move)... got in to a horrible Midwife who was of no help whatsoever & didn't check to make sure everything was fine... Got into an OB/GYN 3 months after first miscarriage (which, yes everything was fine - no D&C). Insurance changed via husband's employer + OB/GYN office moved did not provide new contact.... So got OB/GYN #2 (really disliked him), he confirmed miscarriage #3, and did imaging and some bloodwork.... switched to Midwife #2 in same office.... husband's employer changed, so insurance changed 2 more times. After a good length of time, now have new OB/GYN #3 and will be seeing first RE next month.
O) Ovarian quality: PCOS (Mainly the left one, so is "minor", but has not been looked into any further - was confirmed by PCP via imaging results that OB/GYN #2 sent me in to have done....
P) POAS or wait for AF: I honestly have no idea what the hell this means.....
Q) Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Advice of anykind.... The look of well, miscarriage does not count as infertility or the look of shame and shock at my bluntness about such things! "You can always adopt."
S) Sperm: He has yet to be tested.... but obviously I have been pregnant multiple times.... guess we'll find out in the near future.
T) Time tried naturally: Refer back to M. Although I was put on the progesterone just before #2.
U) Uterus: It's fine and dandy, except for one small abnormality - which I have been told is no big deal... OB/GYN #3 wants to find out if Endometriosis exists there......
V) Vagina: Hahaha.... It's had it's share of probing and problems that confound the doctors to the point of: they have no idea what to do. They tell me all looks and feels "normal" but certain things I describe are not...... It remains an annoying mystery - so I take herbal remedies that seem to actually help.....
W) What baby stuff do you have already: When doing foster care you need the basics so before we ever had a baby in the house: a pack n play, crib sheets, blanket, car seat, space-saver high chair, stroller, a few bottles, and baby bowls/utensils. We began with only those things... we really did not have anything else - the baby's bed is the pack n play. We don't know what age/size or gender the child will be. We did also prepare with a twin bed in case we got a child that was old enough/big enough to sleep in it. Now, after 1 placement and thanks to the generosity of my sister-in-law, I have quite a bit of clothing on hand. We also now have children's tylenol/ibprofen too.
X) X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Those who actually open their ears beyond hearing "miscarriage, can't carry" and don't proceed with their idea of advice.... Some of our family and friends, and who ever reads my blog!
Y) Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yes. The exam isn't just those lady parts down low, but involves the ones up high too... the girls should not be forgotten. I haven't undergone regular fertility stuff.... yet.
Z) Zits: Ever since puberty... that's nothing new. They have tended to scar my face, because they are deep.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Infertility = Shame
Resolve Blog Challenge
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines shame as: "1: a painful sense of having done something wrong, improper, or immodest 2: DISGRACE, DISHONOR 3: A cause of feeling shame 4: something to be regretted"
Merriam-Webster Thesaurus:
Synonym(s): "DISGRACE"
Related Words: "chagrin, embarrassment; guilt, mortification, self-reproach, self-reproof"
How does it make you feel to read those definitions, synonyms, and related words? Who are you? How does this relate to you?
You may be someone who is not affected by infertility. You may be someone who is not affected, but knows someone that is living with infertility. You may be someone like me; someone that is both directly and indirectly affected by infertility.
No matter who you are, we all need to be aware of each other and the effects that myths can have. I know that people tend to have good intentions when giving their "advice" when it comes to my... shhh don't say it too loud or you may shock others... INFERTILITY PROBLEMS. Myth: It is shameful to talk about infertility. It is not shameful. Infertility is just misunderstood, misconstrued, and under-talked-about. We should not, and cannot keep the secret taboos of past generations bottled up. Infertility affects millions, we are not alone, and we should not stand alone. It does not need to be everybody's business - that's up to you who you tell what - but we should also find support; it's hard. I am glad that I have a close friend, a cousin, and blogs by people that I can turn to for support - as they too have suffered some form of infertility.
Myth: Infertility = Not being able to get Pregnant; Miscarriage does not count. This is so classic; especially for me. I think this myth comes from how we both define and perceive infertility.
Dictionary defines infertile as: "not fertile or productive : BARREN...."
Thesaurus: Synonyms: "STERILE, BARREN"; Related Words: "depleted, drained, exhausted, impoverished"; and of course it also gives the opposite, the Contrasted Words: "breeding, generating, propagating, reproducing"; Antonym: "fertile".
In the King James Bible, we see the word Barren used whenever referring to mainly a woman that has not been able to have a child(ren); with a few references toward unproductive land. You can find this term in these chapters:
Genesis: 11, 25, 29, 30 ; Exodus: 23 ;
Deuteronomy: 7 ; Judges: 13 ; 1 Samual: 1, 2 ;
2 Kings: 2 ; Pslams: 11 ; Isaiah: 54 ; Luke: 1, 23 ;
Galatians: 4 ; 2 Peter: 1
Miscarriage is only mentioned as caused by another injuring the pregnant woman to the point of loss (Exodus 21:22). The list that has to do with the opposite is very lengthy.
I always have people "advising" me what to do, what to take, who to go to so I can get pregnant.... I don't have a problem of getting pregnant, I have a problem of staying pregnant. I suffer from multiple recurrent miscarriage.
Myth: We shouldn't talk about miscarriage, because it is shameful. Miscarriage = Abortion. There still exists societal taboos about infertility and miscarriage... which are wanting to be broken! We need to talk about infertility & miscarriage. Yes, it can be very painful and uncomfortable to talk about; but that is because we tend to perceive it as shameful. Miscarriage tends to be related to Abortion. Miscarriage is what medical professionals label as "natural abortion" - it is a natural phenomenon where the body for whatever reason ends, breaks down, and does away with the pregnancy. Miscarriage is NOT the same as forced clinical abortion.
Myth: It’s the woman’s fault. It takes Male and Female combined to make a baby. The woman is only half the equation. I have tended to blame myself for my multiple recurrent miscarriages. Nothing can be done; when you don't know what the cause is. The majority of miscarriage is unknown, a small percent has to do with multiple factors stemming from genetics.
Myth: My husband does not need to get checked - his boys are just fine. I have not had any problems with getting pregnant, I have problems with staying pregnant... and no one knows why except God and He sure isn't telling. So in my mind, there's nothing wrong with my husband - it's all me.... he has yet to be tested for anything, but is open to him being tested.
Myth: As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant. This is another classic heard by many. Sure, so-and-so that you know actually had this happen.... but guess what? I'm not that person! I also have not had the chance to adopt... have you ever looked into adoption? The process is quite daunting... and on our recent foster care placement it was up in the air so many times, and so many times we were told it was going to adoption, then it was in the air, then the baby was going back to bio-parent, then in the air.... urrrg!
Myth: If you see a certain doctor or take a certain herbal remedy you'll get pregnant, because so-&-so did. So what! That's not going to change the fact that every-time I get pregnant - I don't have a problem with getting pregnant, I have a problem with staying pregnant - I miscarry. Every. Time! In fact, I have been pregnant so many times, I wonder sometimes if I should bother.... but then I would be looked down upon as "giving up."
Myth: If you look into fostering, adoption, or other ways to create your family it means you have "given up" on having your own. Have I really. I spent a great day with a sibling and their spouse recently... and happened to mention fostering and adoption. The response of one of them immediately was something like this: "Well, we haven't given up on having our own." I didn't say I had given up... Just because my husband and I are open to different options of creating our family does not mean we have "given up" on having our own. No one, I think that suffers some form of infertility ever wants to "give up" - you just eventually come to accept who you are and how unique your family situation is. My husband told me some time ago that he has accepted the fact that for whatever reason unknown to mankind, we may not be able to be biological parents, and that is okay. I'm still working through the whole process.
We have a lot of negative language, that can be turned positive.... Post ways on how you and I, we, can do this; I would like to see what people think.
Infertility 101
National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines shame as: "1: a painful sense of having done something wrong, improper, or immodest 2: DISGRACE, DISHONOR 3: A cause of feeling shame 4: something to be regretted"
Merriam-Webster Thesaurus:
Synonym(s): "DISGRACE"
Related Words: "chagrin, embarrassment; guilt, mortification, self-reproach, self-reproof"
How does it make you feel to read those definitions, synonyms, and related words? Who are you? How does this relate to you?
You may be someone who is not affected by infertility. You may be someone who is not affected, but knows someone that is living with infertility. You may be someone like me; someone that is both directly and indirectly affected by infertility.
No matter who you are, we all need to be aware of each other and the effects that myths can have. I know that people tend to have good intentions when giving their "advice" when it comes to my... shhh don't say it too loud or you may shock others... INFERTILITY PROBLEMS. Myth: It is shameful to talk about infertility. It is not shameful. Infertility is just misunderstood, misconstrued, and under-talked-about. We should not, and cannot keep the secret taboos of past generations bottled up. Infertility affects millions, we are not alone, and we should not stand alone. It does not need to be everybody's business - that's up to you who you tell what - but we should also find support; it's hard. I am glad that I have a close friend, a cousin, and blogs by people that I can turn to for support - as they too have suffered some form of infertility.
Myth: Infertility = Not being able to get Pregnant; Miscarriage does not count. This is so classic; especially for me. I think this myth comes from how we both define and perceive infertility.
Dictionary defines infertile as: "not fertile or productive : BARREN...."
Thesaurus: Synonyms: "STERILE, BARREN"; Related Words: "depleted, drained, exhausted, impoverished"; and of course it also gives the opposite, the Contrasted Words: "breeding, generating, propagating, reproducing"; Antonym: "fertile".
In the King James Bible, we see the word Barren used whenever referring to mainly a woman that has not been able to have a child(ren); with a few references toward unproductive land. You can find this term in these chapters:
Genesis: 11, 25, 29, 30 ; Exodus: 23 ;
Deuteronomy: 7 ; Judges: 13 ; 1 Samual: 1, 2 ;
2 Kings: 2 ; Pslams: 11 ; Isaiah: 54 ; Luke: 1, 23 ;
Galatians: 4 ; 2 Peter: 1
Miscarriage is only mentioned as caused by another injuring the pregnant woman to the point of loss (Exodus 21:22). The list that has to do with the opposite is very lengthy.
I always have people "advising" me what to do, what to take, who to go to so I can get pregnant.... I don't have a problem of getting pregnant, I have a problem of staying pregnant. I suffer from multiple recurrent miscarriage.
Myth: We shouldn't talk about miscarriage, because it is shameful. Miscarriage = Abortion. There still exists societal taboos about infertility and miscarriage... which are wanting to be broken! We need to talk about infertility & miscarriage. Yes, it can be very painful and uncomfortable to talk about; but that is because we tend to perceive it as shameful. Miscarriage tends to be related to Abortion. Miscarriage is what medical professionals label as "natural abortion" - it is a natural phenomenon where the body for whatever reason ends, breaks down, and does away with the pregnancy. Miscarriage is NOT the same as forced clinical abortion.
Myth: It’s the woman’s fault. It takes Male and Female combined to make a baby. The woman is only half the equation. I have tended to blame myself for my multiple recurrent miscarriages. Nothing can be done; when you don't know what the cause is. The majority of miscarriage is unknown, a small percent has to do with multiple factors stemming from genetics.
Myth: My husband does not need to get checked - his boys are just fine. I have not had any problems with getting pregnant, I have problems with staying pregnant... and no one knows why except God and He sure isn't telling. So in my mind, there's nothing wrong with my husband - it's all me.... he has yet to be tested for anything, but is open to him being tested.
Myth: As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant. This is another classic heard by many. Sure, so-and-so that you know actually had this happen.... but guess what? I'm not that person! I also have not had the chance to adopt... have you ever looked into adoption? The process is quite daunting... and on our recent foster care placement it was up in the air so many times, and so many times we were told it was going to adoption, then it was in the air, then the baby was going back to bio-parent, then in the air.... urrrg!
Myth: If you see a certain doctor or take a certain herbal remedy you'll get pregnant, because so-&-so did. So what! That's not going to change the fact that every-time I get pregnant - I don't have a problem with getting pregnant, I have a problem with staying pregnant - I miscarry. Every. Time! In fact, I have been pregnant so many times, I wonder sometimes if I should bother.... but then I would be looked down upon as "giving up."
Myth: If you look into fostering, adoption, or other ways to create your family it means you have "given up" on having your own. Have I really. I spent a great day with a sibling and their spouse recently... and happened to mention fostering and adoption. The response of one of them immediately was something like this: "Well, we haven't given up on having our own." I didn't say I had given up... Just because my husband and I are open to different options of creating our family does not mean we have "given up" on having our own. No one, I think that suffers some form of infertility ever wants to "give up" - you just eventually come to accept who you are and how unique your family situation is. My husband told me some time ago that he has accepted the fact that for whatever reason unknown to mankind, we may not be able to be biological parents, and that is okay. I'm still working through the whole process.
We have a lot of negative language, that can be turned positive.... Post ways on how you and I, we, can do this; I would like to see what people think.
Infertility 101
National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)
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