Baby Dragon

Hello everyone. Last I wrote I was, for the first time in a total of 8 pregnancies 6.5 months along. Now, as I write this time, I have my baby in my lap at ~7 weeks old. 

I gave birth to a beautiful, happy, healthy baby GIRL. In all honesty, we did cave and "peeked" at what baby was in a very late ultrasound around 7 months along at the beginning of May - but we kept it secret, haha. I had such a late follow-up ultrasound after the typical one at 5 months, due to a low-lying placenta. We wanted to see if it was pulled up with the further expansion of the uterine muscles. Why? Well, if the placenta had remained "low" - which means down by my cervix - I would have been subjected to a Cesarean birth to avoid the major risk of hemorrhage that would have been caused by the placenta separating from the uterine wall as my cervix thinned and opened (dilated). Thankfully, baby's head was lower than the placenta which confirmed that the placenta indeed was pulled up and no longer low and a major risk. Which also meant I was free to birth vaginally. 

I debated between (and compared) two birthing classes: Hypnobirthing and Birthing From Within. In the end, Birthing From Within won out - and matched our schedules better. Before we knew it, the class began and then ended. I look forward to our post-partum gathering.

How'd the birth go? In short, here's my birth story:

Just shy of my baby's "due" date, at my weekly follow-up visit, my blood pressure spiked - and with how very, very swollen I was those days, I ended up having pre-eclampsia. To avoid eclampsia, my doctor sent me in to be induced. She wanted me to start with pictocin, but in speaking with her she agreed to let me start with a "ripening" agent called Cervidil. I was 85% effaced (thinned), and ~1.5 cm dilated. Was I happy about being induced? No. Do I have any regrets about how my birth went in the end? Nope. I'd do it all over again. I'm glad that I was able to avoid eclampsia and the accompanying emergency Cesarean birth that would have followed.

In the end, the nurses I had at St. Mark's and my OB were all wonderful. My neighbor was equally wonderful in coming over to assist my husband in giving me a blessing - because I was stressed and nervous... etc - so many emotions! Then, my dear friend a physical therapist came that night and gave me a long full body message. I am eternally grateful for her. I entered laborland shortly thereafter (~2 hours later) stress and tense free. After 8 hours, they pulled the cervidil (took the medicine away), because my body took off and labor was full on. I was 100% effaced and 3-4 cm; they thought it would take 12 hours and then would start pictocin (artificial oxytocin) to get contractions going. The entire time I and baby were monitored. They did let me off the monitors to use the jetted tub for coping technique for ~1 hour or so. In the next 4 hours after the medicine was pulled, I went from 3/4 to 9-10 cm (which is fully open/dilated). At the 12 hour mark, my OB came in. She was happy for me, and was a great support. She did break my water - as it had not yet broken, even though I was already starting to push. I was ready, it was time, and I knew it. It was interesting the change from laboring to open, to birthing (pushing) - I had a renewed sense of energy - which was a good thing. It took 1.5 hours to birth my baby. She came presented vertex (facing sideways). In the end, she kicked me and it helped propel her out. It was intriguing feeling her body being born - after her head had been born. Hubby cut the cord, helped the nurse wipe her off, held her and then laid her on me - skin to skin. She was wide awake, looking at me, and sucked her thumb - all while my OB stitched me up from a tier 2 tear.

No, I didn't stare at the clock a lot - maybe in the beginning, although after awhile the clock didn't make sense since labor has it's own clock. I know about how long everything took since my hubby took note of when the induction began and when baby was born - he slept most of the night - although he did do what he could to support me every now and then during the night (which thankfully ended up being short - though at the time, I didn't even notice in the shift from night to day except for the change in nurses).

All in all, labor and birth lasted a total of 13.5 hours - thank heavens! It was short, quick, intense and incredible! I did not take any pain meds until after birth - I birthed my baby with absolute minimal intervention. I praise God for it all.

Yes, she's a redhead just like me & her daddy's beard. : ) She was little - at 6 lbs 10.6 oz, 18.5 inches long. She had a lovely round head, lovely hair, and dark eyes (now that her eyes are no longer glassy, it would seem they are mix of my & hubby's eyes - I call them Brown Hazel). She's an absolute doll - and still is. I love her smiles. We call her our Baby Dragon. 

The fist picture is her brand new (within her 1st week). The second is her at ~6 weeks old.

Good Riddance 2011... Hello 2012

2011 was tough. A lot of good happened. It was also hell. Glad it's been over for some time. Our new year didn't really begin until Chinese New Year 2012.

Beginning 2011 Princess Frog left us....
Spring 2011 I taught a class. My sister graduated from college and moved in. She also ended up getting a kitten. I also went to an RE and did a bunch more testing that was expensive.... it showed nothing abnormal or wrong as usual.... I was done.
Summer 2011 I ended up picking up a class halfway through... and just before that ended up on Jury Duty (I was sick the entire time which really sucked).
Late Summer 2011 I volunteered at the County Fair and we entered some photos.
Fall 2011 I took the leap to teach the max allowable allotment of classes: 3. I had ~80 students total.... I was also going to work at the State Fair.... but....

Labor Day weekend we got our second placement... a newborn baby girl - who we called Duckie. I guess that is what having the hubby take a turn with testing will do. Haha. I was done - there was no more testing I could do. I worked at the State Fair for 1 day and then got a baby. My boss was awesome about it. The fall semester had been underway so I had a new baby and 3 classes with 80 students.... yep, nuts.

Duckie stayed with us for only 5 weeks. I got to meet her biological grandparents. She went to the family that adopted her siblings a few years previous - they had to get their license renewed.... Her caseworker was awesome. It was much smoother going than Princess Frog's case. What did make it hard was having her move not long after my best friend miscarried.... I bawled a lot in a short amount of time.

I ended up off track with keeping up on grading student's assignments... but by darn I survived... despite the affects of slight CO poisoning.... that's right soon as we turned on our furnace it was leaking a bit from it's inner depths... We could smell a small amount of gas, so we opened the smallest basement window.... we called our neighbor that does HVAC... they affirmed the furnace was leaking. Great. It was old... and the part that was leaking... well was the entirety of the inside of the furnace... the new furnaces are made so the inside has separate pieces that can be replaced. So off the furnace was turned... it was cold. They were nice and lent us 2 heavy duty space heaters that got us through until they could get our furnace installed. Good thing I had my job. Around exact same time that our furnace was installed and paid for... we sold our little blue giant (geo metro). That happened a lot faster than anticipated... we had already agreed to sell the little giant so we could buy my sister's car. My sister that lived with us, decided to serve a religious mission. Good thing I did pick up so many classes - we were able to replace our furnace and a car because of it. No debt incurred and no long-term ding to our savings. (We also agreed to take care of her kitten turned cat until she returns next summer.)

In the middle of all of that fun.... After hubby did his test and 5-6 months worth of tracking certain pieces of my cycle and knowing exactly when those pieces of my cycle occurred, we decided to "go for it".... Was I scared? I was beside myself... but my body wanted a baby right now... so scared... so beyond scared... At hubby's follow-up visit a couple weeks later the test was positive, faint and slow-coming but positive. I tested that morning too - same thing. I was immediately put on a natural form of progesterone to help sustain the pregnancy (no guarantee, but hope). Next morning same. I got 3 (faint) positive pregnancy tests! I did a blood test right after the appointment and had to wait.... no call came all day next day.... so I finally called the after-hours doctor and a nurse called me next day.... HCG was 208! RE was hoping for an absolute minimum of 5-10 (or something like that). Wow! Did another blood test 4 days later... 24 hours... result: HCG 1315! Holy whoa! RE was hoping for the 208 to double to 416... it went up just over 6 times what we were hoping.... It was confirmed: I was at that point (as the doctor's count it) 1 month along.

I was also deep into the fall semester... I had ~1 month left. By semester's end I was around to just over 2 months along - barely. No one knew (except me, hubby, and all my dr's). I had 3 ultrasounds, 1 visit to my PCP, and 1 typical prenatal checkup at the end of the year... then they made me wait an entire month for my next prenatal visit! It was nerve-wracking!

Oh, and what made the end of 2011 hell: with ~1.5-2 weeks of the semester left we got a call from a source outside DCFS to tell us Princess Frog was back into Foster Care.... and we needed to get her back because her bio mom's rights were gone (relinquished or terminated - can't remember which).... of course it had to come during the weekend... urg! We immediately left messages for our RFC, and appropriate personnel, including the Ombudsmen.... Long story short: 2 weeks to contact the team as to why and what happened we got an answer of: "you're not involved, so we can't tell you anything." They broke a law by never informing us... yet no one was punished.... a committee was setup to review the case... it took a month... we presented to the committee. They couldn't decide. The whole situation was escalated to the Region Head of DCFS... we meet with higher ups... about a lot of concerns. Due to damn bureaucratic slowness... and holidays it took another month for a final decision.... At this point we learn that Princess Frog has been with her 3rd foster family for ~2+ months and that her bio mom is now deceased. She is more than fully up for adoption - in theory we should be the ones to be able to adopt her without question.... but... it was too late. The system was too slow. We lost her forever. Literally. Our first adoption loss.... we were devastated. We didn't even decorate for Christmas (which has never ever happened... ever). We did spend time with family, do presents and stuff... but it was very painful.... very very few people knew.... and know.

Somehow God's grace let my pregnancy hold through all this. Our new year of 2012 began with the Chinese New Year. It is the Year of the Water Dragon. We are going to have a baby dragon. : ) Thus our theme is Dragons. I have made it to ~6.5 months along! We are very excited. We told our family and friends when I made it to the 4 month mark (plus by then I really couldn't hide the pregnancy anymore). My best friend was told 1-2 months ahead of family and friends - I needed her support since she could relate to what I was going through. People were insensitive at Christmas and questioned me on my weight... I had already begun to gain a pouch at 2 months... I wasn't surprised... but was hoping not to pop until later.... No, we are not finding out what we are having. It's a surprise. : ) It was something to watch the baby go from a tiny blob, to a little bigger blob... to holy wow! That really is a baby in there! Hello, 2012 - we are looking forward to a new beginning. A new life. A permanent addition to our family.

A Thought

“Women must first develop courage.  Courage is the most important of all virtues because without courage, they cannot practice any other virtue consistently. A woman can be kind, fair, strong, generous, courteous and even loving, erratically. But to be that continuously, consistently, you have to have courage.”

–Maya Angelou




Pulled from: http://myhopefuljourney.com/courageous-women

Also I really like this poem. 

 

Adoption

I've mentioned adoption quite a bit while talking about infertility. As I have 

previously mentioned, adoption is quite daunting for both sides. To give you an 

idea of how overwhelming it can be and what the process is like I have listed below

lots and lots of links to various websites. If you are interested in Adoption, please 

feel free to use these links as needed and I do wish you the best. The range in cost 

I have found to be ~$10,000-50,000 (I tend to focus on domestic adoption, but 

international tends to be ~$15,000-50,000).  

Please remember overall that Adoption is a truly selfless act of love. It is amazing

what adoption can do for so many lives. I hope to one day experience the miracle of 

adoption and be able to thank a birthmother/parent/family. We hope to do so debt free.

Please be aware that I am NOT affiliated nor do I endorse any of the sites listed. I

have these sites merely from searching about adoption. This is by no means a completely 

exhaustive list either - there are many more agencies out there that I have not listed.

These lists are arranged via alphabetical order. 

Mainly for Birthmothers/BirthParent(s):
  
Adoption Planners 
I Heart Adoption  
Little Angel Adoptions 

The Adoption Foundation


Adoption (many of these sites are for both adoptive families and birth families):

A Act of Love
Adoption.com

Adopt Help
Adoption Network Law Center 

   (We requested further information and found out their costs range from $30,000-40,000)

American Adoptions 

Adopt US Kids 

A Baby Step  
    FAQ for A Baby Step Adoption  

Beacon House Adoption Services 

    Beacon House Process and Application for Domestic Adoption     

A Child's Dream    

    Process for A Child's Dream  

Crossroads Adoption Services 

    An Application from Crossroads
Child Welfare Information Gateway  

Children's Service Society 

Direct Adoptions  (This website is not an agency. It is a place to create a profile and 

                                 connect directly with birthfamilies; see brochure link). 

    Brochure for Direct Adoptions  (Price for membership: ~$300, plus ~$60 per month)

Heart to Heart 

    Summary of Process for Heart to Heart Adoptions

    Applications & Home Study Packets for Heart to Heart 

    Fees for Heart to Heart Adoptions 

Hoping to Adopt 

Independent Adoption Center 

It's About Love 
My Adoption Agencies  (A search for agencies in Utah, but you can search your state.)
National Adoption Center  

National Adoption Foundation 

    Fund Your Adoption

Parent Profiles (This website is similar to Direct Adoptions. Cost is ~$100 per month). 

Premier Adoption 
    Premier Adoption Cost  
The Adoption Center 

The Adoption Exchange 
Utah Department of Human Services    
Utah's Child & Family Services Adoption Connection 
  

Resources:

Financial Aid 
Affording Adoption Foundation
Gift of Adoption Fund

Infertility ABC

So, I found the ABC's of Infertility over at Not Sugar Coated to be interesting and thought it would be even more interesting to fill it out and see what the difference in infertility would be like in the alphabet.....

Here goes....

A) Age when you started TTC:  I think TTC = Trying To Conceive?   No problem there! Just stop using male & female birth control and the rest = pregnant....

B) Baby Dancing or Sex:   Sex

C) Children wanted:   Um.... 3 is a good number but so is 5.... I honestly don't remember what we both said... but then again before the miscarriages I really didn't want any... or at least I was not ready and had no idea when I would be.

D) Dog/Cat/Fill in Children:  No dog or cat - have allergies... but would like one of each. We are Foster Parents: right now no child(ren).

E) Essential oils/ Vitamins/ Snail Oils:  I take a prenatal; have been for some time.

F) Fertility meds I've taken:   Progesterone.  I don't think Birth control pills or the Nuvaring counts....

G) Gain:  Uh... well before I met my husband and I entered college I lost 22 pounds - didn't mean to! I was very disgustingly skin and bones.... I worked on gaining and maintaining.... Got married just before my 3rd year of college. Lived in a hell hole, then moved to a really nice place - while there I stabilized and went from an ill 125/130 to a healthier 150 and stayed for at least a year... then the last month of school & graduating I became pregnant with #1. I lost #1 Easter 2007 at 4 months going on 5 months.... I weighed myself just after the loss and I seem to remember being around 180.... Well, I just can't seem to drop below 165.

H) HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  Not sure what this is.... Never been done. I've done an SIS and other imaging.

I) Infertile Pet Peeves:  I feel like people don't accept that miscarriage is natural & is a form of infertility - neither is shameful. The taboos of society that suffocate open advocacy and support for those of us that have miscarried. The feeling of shame. The feeling of loneliness and abandonment because I have miscarried. Not being accepted for who I am. "Advice." Just don't give it, please - I'm tired of hearing it (a hug is always appreciated and acknowledgement of what I just informed you of).

J) Job title:  Currently Myself. I have been: Adjunct Faculty at the Community College, Foster Mom, both Grad & Undergrad Student, and many more!

K) Kids name you're afraid will be taken by the time you have kids:  Girl's name became common: Eliza. Boy's name: Bryce.

L) Length of time TTC:  Uh..... well see M.

M) Miscarriages:  7 in 4 years.... 2007: 1; 2008: 2; 2009: 2; 2010: 2.    Planned: # 3 & 5.  Unexpected: #1, & 2. Chance: #4. Not on Birth Control of anykind (nothing planned, but no avoidance either): #6 & 7.

N) Number of times you've switched OB/GYN's, RE's:  Moved away from college after graduation and first miscarriage (had no $ to see a doctor before move)... got in to a horrible Midwife who was of no help whatsoever & didn't check to make sure everything was fine...  Got into an OB/GYN 3 months after first miscarriage (which, yes everything was fine - no D&C). Insurance changed via husband's employer + OB/GYN office moved did not provide new contact.... So got OB/GYN #2 (really disliked him), he confirmed miscarriage #3, and did imaging and some bloodwork.... switched to Midwife #2 in same office.... husband's employer changed, so insurance changed 2 more times. After a good length of time, now have new OB/GYN #3 and will be seeing first RE next month.

O) Ovarian quality:  PCOS  (Mainly the left one, so is "minor", but has not been looked into any further - was confirmed by PCP via imaging results that OB/GYN #2 sent me in to have done....

P) POAS or wait for AF:   I honestly have no idea what the hell this means.....

Q) Quote from an obnoxious fertile:   Advice of anykind.... The look of well, miscarriage does not count as infertility or the look of shame and shock at my bluntness about such things!  "You can always adopt."

S) Sperm:  He has yet to be tested.... but obviously I have been pregnant multiple times.... guess we'll find out in the near future.

T) Time tried naturally:   Refer back to M. Although I was put on the progesterone just before #2.

U) Uterus:  It's fine and dandy, except for one small abnormality - which I have been told is no big deal... OB/GYN #3 wants to find out if Endometriosis exists there......

V) Vagina:  Hahaha.... It's had it's share of probing and problems that confound the doctors to the point of: they have no idea what to do. They tell me all looks and feels "normal" but certain things I describe are not...... It remains an annoying mystery - so I take herbal remedies that seem to actually help.....

W) What baby stuff do you have already:  When doing foster care you need the basics so before we ever had a baby in the house: a pack n play, crib sheets, blanket, car seat, space-saver high chair, stroller, a few bottles, and baby bowls/utensils. We began with only those things... we really did not have anything else - the baby's bed is the pack n play. We don't know what age/size or gender the child will be. We did also prepare with a twin bed in case we got a child that was old enough/big enough to sleep in it. Now, after 1 placement and thanks to the generosity of my sister-in-law, I have quite a bit of clothing on hand. We also now have children's tylenol/ibprofen too.

X) X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?:   Those who actually open their ears beyond hearing "miscarriage, can't carry" and don't proceed with their idea of advice.... Some of our family and friends, and who ever reads my blog!

Y) Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?:   Yes. The exam isn't just those lady parts down low, but involves the ones up high too... the girls should not be forgotten. I haven't undergone regular fertility stuff.... yet.

Z) Zits:  Ever since puberty... that's nothing new. They have tended to scar my face, because they are deep.

Infertility = Shame

Resolve Blog Challenge

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines shame as: "1: a painful sense of having done something wrong, improper, or immodest  2: DISGRACE, DISHONOR   3: A cause of feeling shame  4: something to be regretted"

Merriam-Webster Thesaurus:
           Synonym(s): "DISGRACE"
           Related Words: "chagrin, embarrassment; guilt, mortification, self-reproach, self-reproof"

How does it make you feel to read those definitions, synonyms, and related words? Who are you? How does this relate to you?

You may be someone who is not affected by infertility. You may be someone who is not affected, but knows someone that is living with infertility. You may be someone like me; someone that is both directly and indirectly affected by infertility.

No matter who you are, we all need to be aware of each other and the effects that myths can have. I know that people tend to have good intentions when giving their "advice" when it comes to my... shhh don't say it too loud or you may shock others... INFERTILITY PROBLEMS. Myth: It is shameful to talk about infertility. It is not shameful. Infertility is just misunderstood, misconstrued, and under-talked-about. We should not, and cannot keep the secret taboos of past generations bottled up. Infertility affects millions, we are not alone, and we should not stand alone. It does not need to be everybody's business - that's up to you who you tell what - but we should also find support; it's hard. I am glad that I have a close friend, a cousin, and blogs by people that I can turn to for support - as they too have suffered some form of infertility.

Myth: Infertility = Not being able to get Pregnant; Miscarriage does not count. This is so classic; especially for me. I think this myth comes from how we both define and perceive infertility.

Dictionary defines infertile as: "not fertile or productive : BARREN...."
Thesaurus: Synonyms: "STERILE, BARREN"; Related Words: "depleted, drained, exhausted, impoverished"; and of course it also gives the opposite, the Contrasted Words: "breeding, generating, propagating, reproducing";  Antonym: "fertile".

In the King James Bible, we see the word Barren used whenever referring to mainly a woman that has not been able to have a child(ren); with a few references toward unproductive land. You can find this term in these chapters:
                       Genesis: 11, 25, 29, 30 ; Exodus: 23 ;
                       Deuteronomy: 7 ; Judges: 13 ; 1 Samual: 1, 2 ;
                       2 Kings: 2 ; Pslams: 11 ; Isaiah: 54 ; Luke: 1, 23 ;
                       Galatians: 4 ; 2 Peter: 1
Miscarriage is only mentioned as caused by another injuring the pregnant woman to the point of loss (Exodus 21:22). The list that has to do with the opposite is very lengthy.

I always have people "advising" me what to do, what to take, who to go to so I can get pregnant.... I don't have a problem of getting pregnant, I have a problem of staying pregnant. I suffer from multiple recurrent miscarriage.


Myth: We shouldn't talk about miscarriage, because it is shameful. Miscarriage = Abortion. There still exists societal taboos about infertility and miscarriage... which are wanting to be broken! We need to talk about infertility & miscarriage. Yes, it can be very painful and uncomfortable to talk about; but that is because we tend to perceive it as shameful. Miscarriage tends to be related to Abortion. Miscarriage is what medical professionals label as "natural abortion" - it is a natural phenomenon where the body for whatever reason ends, breaks down, and does away with the pregnancy. Miscarriage is NOT the same as forced clinical abortion.

Myth: It’s the woman’s fault. It takes Male and Female combined to make a baby. The woman is only half the equation. I have tended to blame myself for my multiple recurrent miscarriages. Nothing can be done; when you don't know what the cause is. The majority of miscarriage is unknown, a small percent has to do with multiple factors stemming from genetics.


Myth:  My husband does not need to get checked - his boys are just fine. I have not had any problems with getting pregnant, I have problems with staying pregnant... and no one knows why except God and He sure isn't telling. So in my mind, there's nothing wrong with my husband - it's all me.... he has yet to be tested for anything, but is open to him being tested.




Myth:  As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant. This is another classic heard by many. Sure, so-and-so that you know actually had this happen.... but guess what? I'm not that person! I also have not had the chance to adopt... have you ever looked into adoption? The process is quite daunting... and on our recent foster care placement it was up in the air so many times, and so many times we were told it was going to adoption, then it was in the air, then the baby was going back to bio-parent, then in  the air.... urrrg!


Myth: If you see a certain doctor or take a certain herbal remedy you'll get pregnant, because so-&-so did. So what! That's not going to change the fact that every-time I get pregnant - I don't have a problem with getting pregnant, I have a problem with staying pregnant - I miscarry. Every. Time! In fact, I have been pregnant so many times, I wonder sometimes if I should bother.... but then I would be looked down upon as "giving up."




Myth: If you look into fostering, adoption, or other ways to create your family it means you have "given up" on having your own. Have I really. I spent a great day with a sibling and their spouse recently... and happened to mention fostering and adoption. The response of one of them immediately was something like this: "Well, we haven't given up on having our own." I didn't say I had given up... Just because my husband and I are open to different options of creating our family does not mean we have "given up" on having our own. No one, I think that suffers some form of infertility ever wants to "give up" - you just eventually come to accept who you are and how unique your family situation is. My husband told me some time ago that he has accepted the fact that for whatever reason unknown to mankind, we may not be able to be biological parents, and that is okay. I'm still working through the whole process.


We have a lot of negative language, that can be turned positive.... Post ways on how you and I, we, can do this; I would like to see what people think.

Infertility 101
National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)

Cherry Truth

Whenever we think of things we really wanted when we were kids, we tended to utilize the bits of manners we decided we could utilize to get said want. One definite way was to work hard on being good, go to the authority figure, bat our eyes - to get that so cute innocent look - ask for what we wanted ending with please, with a cherry on top.

What comes to your mind when you hear the old familiar phrase: "Please, with a cherry on top."

Close your eyes and imagine with me this:

You are at an old-time fountain - a kid all over again full of excitement.
Why? Because you were so very good, that you won over the authority with the purse strings to bring you to this magical place.
This place where the stools have that fascinating swirl of the seat, and it's quirky wobble or squeak...
Where you are just big enough to reach the the counter, but not see over it...
To watch as the person on the other end fulfills the long-awaited want of...
The rush of cold melting, the sweet overwhelming taste of all that pile of sugar set before you...
A glorious mountain of Banana Split Sundae... that's right with a cherry on top, too.

I can remember what that tasted like, although I now have multiple food allergies and it has been years since I have had a banana split of any kind. Now, the bare truth is - a regular cow dairy ice cream split would be a death wish.... and way too much sugar.

The other truth is... that darned ol' cherry on top of anything is not overwhelming and disgustingly sweet as people have made them.

Cherries are yummy... but in there virgin natural state they are tart. The well-known Maraschino cherries are loaded with sugar and sweet syrup to make them super sweet and an eatable dye helps to intensify their stunning bright red color. I do not have anything against food coloring as long as it is safe to ingest.  Want to know what the ingredients are for Maraschino cherries? Go here. Want a very short history of maraschino cherries? You can read that here.

We should all know what food coloring is, but if you are curious to read an actual definition you can go here.

Let me clear something up, the dye used in maraschino cherries is Red40, not the red dye made from a red beetle; you can read about it at Snopes.com. Here at ehow.com, you can see a list of different food dyes commonly used. The FDA (U.S. Food & Drug Administration) also has some information about maraschino cherries.  For some out there, they could have intolerance or allergies to food dyes.

Thankfully, as far as I know, I am not allergic to food dyes - can I taste synthetic food dyes? Yes, I can, but not in everything.

Why am I writing about this? What does this have to do with anything whatsoever? Well, it's a couple things, really. One, do we really know what we are eating? Two, it's an analogy of sorts to the next bit of this post. What is that you ask? It is in regards to infertility... whoa, did you just read what I wrote? Yes, you did. I said it is an analogy of sorts to infertility.

How so?

Anyone who has experienced any kind of infertility will be able to see what I am saying; those that have not, remember the picture of the banana split earlier - the emotions, the taste, the sensation, the entire experience. Aside from my obvious food inhibitions, those same emotions, the sensations, the entire experience can be likened to those whom have had the opportunity to experience becoming biological parents.

Those whom have experienced infertility, but by the Grace of God have after trials and tribulations been finally able to become such, know that the banana split of parenthood is much more than the mound of sugar, and it's intrinsic flavors... oh it is so much more - perhaps even indescribable.

Finally, those whom have gone through infertility and were never, for whatever reason, were able to be biological parents know even more the interdependence of the bitter and the sweet of becoming parents by others means such as fostering and/or adoption.

The banana split is glorious to behold in the form of a family, of a baby, a child... but the cruel reality is, that you can't have the treat. Not yet... not in the way you think... not in the way you want - no matter how many cherries you ask for.... Those cherries are in truth, something else. They are super sugar coated. Life is not sugar coated, and after what I have been through in my short life, shouldn't be, at all. There are some things that I cannot share and that is okay.The truth is, cherries are in reality tart, yes there are some that are a little sweeter, but should we make them into something they are not?

Our infertility is not a problem of getting pregnant, it's a problem of staying pregnant. No one has been able to figure it out. Infertility does not make us into something we are not, but other people seem to.

We found this blog. She writes as plainly as day. I can definitely relate to her. She is a Foster Mom who has also experienced infertility; and in so doing as created her blog and is currently holding a contest for this book about infertility. Her and her husband were married only ~3 months before Kabaju and I. It is certainly interesting how the world of blogging in the world wide web/internet has found us fellows within heavily similar struggles as our own. Whether or not I am randomly picked as winner, I will definitely be looking for the book at the library. Anyone that reads this, I encourage you to do the same; and take a look at her journey. No one is alone, we only think we are - and no amount of asking please for sugared up cherries will get us anywhere. Embrace your reality, do not make it into something else. There really is a reason for everything. It is hard, I know.