Alive

I am alive and living.
I feel,
I smell,
I touch,
I see,
I hear,
All the things God has created
The gifts of being alive.
But these are two-way,
One way is good and happy
Another is sorrow and grief.
Both must exist,
Neither can be without the other.
I am alive and living.
I feel pain and love,
I smell,
I touch the computer to type these things,
I see the words that are created,
I hear my heart breaking... again for both love and happiness, sorrow and grief.

It has been exactly one year since miscarriage number five, and around this same time of day - in the afternoon it was all over.
I remember.
Baby 5 I love you, though I never knew you.
I lost you when you had only been created for ~3 weeks (nearly a month).

To all my other babies I love you all, though I never knew any of you.

In memorial:

Baby 1
(unexpected)
lost at 4 months along April 9, 2007 (Easter)

Baby 2
(unexpected)
lost at ~10 days April 16, 2008

Baby 3
(planned)
lost at 1 month along July 17, 2008

Baby 4
(unexpected)
lost at 1.5 months along January 1, 2009

Baby 5
(planned)
lost at ~3 weeks June 23, 2009

I am alive and living.
I am.

A Bit of Everything Plus ART

Hello readers,

It again has been some time since I last bloggerated... eth and wrote. So, let me bring you all up to speed a bit, shall I?

I worked until beginning of April and then left - as Kabaju was established for ~2.5 months in his new job. It was a tough decision, however I had a fantastic team lead that wholeheartedly supported me and assisted me in seeking out alternatives that ended up not working out... so I left. Did my two week notice and didn't look back. Afterall, my job served its purpose of keeping us afloat to pay bills. Once Kabaju obtained employment and we steadied our financial situation, I put nearly everything towards paying off my student loans. So I'm happy to say I only have ~17.6% left to pay off on one loan and it's gone! Then I have two more to go! Can't wait to be debt free (minus our house)! : ) Dave Ramsey is fantastic! He is a financial guru that uses common sense and baby steps (see: http://www.daveramsey.com/).

Well, I took the whole of April once I ended my job and turned my entire focus to finishing my thesis and gaining my masters of art degree. Which I am happy to say I have indeed accomplished! I did my oral presentation over the phone via Skype April 29, 2010. Beginning of May we traveled to Spokane, WA for commencement as a family vacation which was fun... despite some rough moments (I'll tell you later...). May 8, 2010 we participated in the baccalaureate mass (as Gonzaga University is Jesuit, private Catholic school) it was interesting for us non-catholic people, but nice. Graduate commencement followed in the same place a couple hours later. So happy! Feels so good crossing the finish line... er stage. Once we got home my signature page was waiting. I was astounded! I thought I would need to do further revisions, which I did anyway, for myself. I Went to one place to have my thesis printed, another to have it bound and then shipped it off to Gonzaga. I received my diploma last week!

I'll elaborate more later, for now I want to say a bit about the talents of my sister-in-law, Evenspor. Her blog is: http://desertspor.blogspot.com/. She is a fantastic bloggerette/blogger. One thing she has done multiple times that I think is neat is create, design fabric patterns and has a place called Spoonflower print her designs onto fabric. So recently Spoonflower also does fabric design contests, which she has participated in the current one with the topic of Robots. She designed these.

The robots contest has ended at this point in time, however, you can see all the designs and the new contest by going here. I am sure if you would like a fabric with a specific design you can head over to Evenspor's blog and ask her for assistance. She does have a bachelor degree in art and she is very good at what she does.

Have a great day everybody! Cheers.

Spiritual Sunday

Hello All,

It has been some time. Today was a beautiful day, and is Valentine's Day. Sadly, we didn't make it to church today for enlightenment, however it was still a Spiritual Sunday. We enjoyed spending time together tonight listening to Wallace "Wally" Goddard (Author of Soft-Spoken Parenting and various other books). It was a great Valentine's Day treat. He was really funny and down-to-earth, anytime you get at chance to listen to him/meet him & his wife I encourage you to do so. [For more about Dr. Wally go to his website here.]

I am still working on my MA degree, I am still doing a project although the project is turning more into a curriculum/course than an active training portfolio. I have been working full-time since late October 2009. Kabaju got a new job on his birthday last month. I thank God for second chances, because of His Grace I was able to sign up to redo my last semester this Spring Semester. We also received our Foster Care License mid-to late December. We are on hold for now, so I can finish my degree, then we can figure out what to do during the hours we aren't here as we both work full-time. However in speaking with Mrs. Goddard as she has been a bereaved mother, and an experienced mother with both biological & has fostered I asked her for some advice. Both she and her husband are very optimistic that God will bless us and lead us so that everything will work out. I agree, I just still have no idea how everything will work out....

It has been a wonderful Spiritual Sunday and I hope yours has been the same.

Have you learned something today?

Gratitude

Thankful Thursday is here again. So here is what I am grateful for this week and last as well:

1. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
2. My wonderful husband.
3. Family.
4. Good Friends.
5. Food.
6. Blue Skies.
7. Men and young men willing to wake up at all hours to come and start cutting our huge tree down at 6:30 AM.
8. Recipe Books that guide on how to cook with food allergies.
9. Simple and yummy recipes.
10. Multiple job offers - even if they aren't even close to my dream career.
11. Our cars.
12. Our home.
13. Our perseverance.
14. Our faith.
15. Blessings.
16. Our health.
17. My planner.
18. Hope.
19. Happiness.
20. Everything good.

What are you grateful for?

I Give Thanks

As it turns out, Evenspor my sister-in-law, has decided to do "Thankful Thursdays" so here is mine:

1. I am thankful for my husbands' severance pay that will be coming soon.
2. I am thankful to have a friend living with us.
3. I am thankful that we can repair our own car at very low cost - or if we need to, we have a mechanic that will help.
4. I am thankful for a neighbor fixing our furnace at very low cost.
5. I am thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
6. I am thankful for friends and family.
7. I am thankful for autumn.
8. I am thankful that I am in my final semester of college.
9. I am thankful for all that I have and possess.
10. I am thankful for my health, and God's herbal remedies.

What are you thankful for?

Happy

Happy is positiveness.

I am happy. I am positive.

I am working on my final project for my Master of Art degree and I'm applying for a job that what my thesis project is.

Happy.

That job opening proves that what my active training portfolio (thesis project) is all about is more real and true than ever before! I knew it! Happy.

Strength.

Yes times are tough, but like I have said time and again before - I embrace tough times. I learn more that way.

Tough times make you think and thinking is good, if you let it be good and positive. Learn to think about things from different angles time and again - and time and again those views will surprise you and uplift you. Unless of course you chose differently.

It's all about attitude and my sweet husband reminds me and we sustain each other - the best we can, but we can always learn.

Learn to be happy.
Learn to overcome.
Learn why life is punching us the way it has decided to and take it in a different angle.
To pursue
Happiness.
Life is a journey.
Journey's take progress.
Progress embraces all - happy and sad, all.
Learning is tough, but is also happy.
Knowledge is gained.
Wisdom is the application of that knowledge over time - sometimes a life time.

Happy.

Afterall, it's a beautiful day.

Rollin' with the Punches

Rollin' with the punches of life... but damn they hurt! I'm tough I know, and I can be a lot tougher still... but I'll admit, I'm tired, I'm burned, I'm worn.... but I'm too bullheaded to quit anytime soon! Which is a good thing. Helps me roll with the punches life has been hitting me with nonstop for the past 3-7 years or more of my life.... eh, might as well say my entire life - but especially the past 3-5 years have been the most challenging and tough. And it's not going to end till I die. Literally.

Remember the Life Exhaust list I gave you all back in February this year? If not take a moment and read it... go on I'll wait.

***

Okay, whew! Take a breath... and let me bring you up to speed... again for the upmteenth time.

So let's see, right....

**March was my ring finger bone graft from the hip surgery (yes, my hip tends toward the tenderness side of things still, but it is healing and regrowing bone).
**I spent the next 3-5 months in hand therapy, water therapy, and physical therapy. (The water therapy works wonders!)
**I got dumped from my temp job... in April... I am still looking.
**My hand healed in time for me to fully use it again for my summer class which I absolutely loved! My professors (those two ladies own their business, they do what they preach!) are my mentors for my thesis project - an active training portfolio.
**I did fabulous in that class.
**Had some car issues with both cars, but we did fine.
**I had my 5th miscarriage June 23, 2009.
**I made a memorial for my 5 babies.
**More imaging was done, and I do have a "slight" abnormality... but pffft it's not much of one.
**I have two more blood tests I need to do this week to see why my red blood cells are monstrously huge.... hmmm, think it has to do with STRESS?
**Did a ton of job hunting..... still doing job hunting.....
**Went to Goblin Valley July 3, 2009 - yes it was HOT, cause we don't have AC.... but it was fun going across the desert with my family and wow the desert was actually green! Weird!
**That was fun ; )
**August we celebrated our 5th anniversary by climbing the 1100 feet elevation gain straight up to Timpanogos Cave in Utah County (think Provo, Utah) and of course going through the refrigerator on steroids... it was fantastic! Yes, we're still married and happily too ; )
**I started my final semester the beginning of September/ending of August.
**I also paid down $700 on my student loans - that was a nice feeling. Paying over $2000 for tuition not so nice - but this is the last time, that is nice.
**I've unpacked our kitchen - finally!
**We have a friend living with us - which is a nice change from the mundane, she makes me laugh!
**Out of the dark... er, "blue," out of nowhere... my husband got laid off..... YIKES!
**Now we're all three jobless.... with bills.... what are we to do? I have unemployment for another 3-4 weeks and then it's gone.... friend will apply for unemployment and help by paying a little rent.... and husband does get some severance and unemployment.
**We turned in our Packet B, next step the homestudy and we will be licensed to be Foster Parents... but that will wait till next year - which was our plan anyway.
**I thank God for the Bishop's Storehouse... now I just have to figure out what it is they have that I can eat... you know I have major food allergies.

Okay - from the top of my head, you all should be absolutely up to date, to the date, really.

We have made headway on our yard thanks to our girlfriend/housemate. We'll be participating in the Food Allergy Awareness Walk at Wheeler Farm in Murray (think Salt Lake City) Utah on Oct. 3rd. October 2nd I'll be volunteering at the Utah Foster Care Foundation Pumpkin Festival, as well as turning in my Lit Review.... I hope, I better be, I will....... ahem. October 10th we'll be cutting down a big, weedy, dangerous tree! Yay!

Oh, and if you want to read my husband's reaction to being let off, you can read it here.

My view of events:

Monday night I crawl into bed, (earlier that day he told me he had a meeting Tuesday) I turn my bedside lamp off... and all of a sudden he says, "Why's it so dark?" I ask, "You want me to turn the light back on?" He said, "NO." Then asks again why it's so dark, all the time? Perpelexed, I said, "I don't know, it's night right now.... what do you mean?" Silence. Snoring. He's out. Next morning... I'm waiting for my double-timing tingling leg to wake up so I can get dressed and get stuff done... next moment when my feet land on the cold floor I'm startled by our bedroom door suddenly opening and there he is.... it's only what, 10 AM or something. He pulls me to his warm body with a smile on his face to hold me and kiss me.

"I got laid off."

I looked at him absolutely stunned and startled... "What!? You're kidding!"
He continues to hold me against him... "No, I'm serious. That's what the meeting was about, at least the one I went to."

I could do nothing else except to cry as fear slapped me hard in the face and all over..... what's going to happen now? What about our home.... what am I going to do? What are we going to do? My mind was racing and yet, not sure if it wanted to keep what it heard.

We went to the couch as I sobbed. Our housemate came out of her bedroom - "What's wrong? What happened?"

"I got laid off." I didn't see her reaction, my face was shutoff in the dark shadow of my eyelids pressed hard against his lap... I didn't want her to see me cry... but cry and sob I did.

"It's going to be okay... we'll be okay." : ) "I get to look for a new job!"

It has been a roller coaster ride for a long time for me.... emotionally, physically, mentally.

We three went to our married friend's house down the street to raid their garden as they instructed us to. I made excellent pasta sauce and pasta that night from their tomatoes and onions. My girlfriend told me, she was amazed that I didn't cry for long... she would still be crying if she were me. My mind is stable, I have an herbal remedy to keep the mind strong. I am calm. I am afraid. I am calm. I am stressed... I am determined.

I embrace hardship. It is my life. I praise God and His son Jesus Christ.

What have we to learn? I know not yet, but someday I will. Trust is tough love... and I have to trust in God like never before. Oh, Father hear our prayers.